Month: June 2022

Of course as soon as I finish a blog post something else comes to mind…so going to start this one and finish it later 🤣 started on Friday, now it’s Tuesday…sort of how my life seems to be going…focus on one thing and then get distracted…I was going to say interrupted but really its distractions…something I have been struggling with for a really long time…easily distracted, hard to stay focused and keeping on task. Not exactly sure what or why but it is what it is…so I try cut myself some slack and just go with the flow ~ you know, the being flexible thing.

11. Health Insurance ~ so thankful for insurance even though at times I complain about all the different hoops that need to be jumped through. Because of moving, insurance changes I once again am having to change the type of insulin I use. This will be the third type of long acting insulin since July 2021! Sure hope it works as well as the last two. The new insulin is Toujeo. I get the same number of boxes but two less pens in a box…but while checking it out found out the pens have more insulin in them…went from 300u to 450u per pen so really getting more for my buck. And with insurance it is only $40 a month. Which in itself is quite the savings…cash price was over $1000 for one box! So $40 for two boxes is a great thing!!!

12. Medication ~ I guess this goes along with #11 – health insurance; thankful that there is medication out there to help with some of my ongoing health issues.

13. Anxiety ~ a story all in itself…my anxiety has been all over the place. I started having more anxiety issues while working at A Kid’s Place where we felt there was no support from the administrators and many of our co-workers either wouldn’t or didn’t talk with us…like they all did their own thing…we definitely felt like a lonely soldier in the middle of a battlefield.

We don’t regret our leaving AKP in such a quick manner. Well on one hand it was six weeks of debating, stressing and trying but a quick decision to leave due to an incident on Sunday night, lack of support during a meeting with administration on Tuesday and left on Thursday. The hard part for us was not having our finances in a better place to deal with unemployment. Two major moves in less than six months, housing requirements, rising prices of gas and insurance all contributed to the unstable financial situation we found ourselves in. BUT it all contributed to my rising anxiety issues.

Then add in two major health scares for Ron and one for me and my anxiety kept climbing and then a third major move and new job to a new state. Don’t get me wrong…we are thankful for our new jobs, we love working in a campground again and having the opportunity to meet lots of new people. BUT every move has it’s own stressors ~ for us it’s always the traveling, knowing their will be issues as there always is though we were pleasantly surprised we only had two issues…one a wobbly tire which we prayed over and had absolutely no tire issues the whole trip and one operator error where Ron miscalculated a turn…and we met the corner of a ditch yet with the help of friends and a nice tow truck driver who was able to get the truck and trailer out of the ditch without any damage to either of them.

I would love to say that my anxiety has disappeared since our move to South Carolina but quite often it rears its ugly head. I have seen a new doctor (who we both love!) who listened, tweaked my meds and said he will check back in six weeks to see how I am doing. I am one week on the higher dose but haven’t really noticed a change BUT we will see. My anxiety also seems to climb around different dates…Mother’s Day and Father’s Day being two of the most difficult days I have each year.

I tend to avoid church and social media around those days and this year was no different and yet the anxiety seemed to manifest itself with a quick temper and wanting to hibernate. I am so thankful for a husband who loves me and understands (as best he can) about my anxiety and all my foibles. Often foregoing what he wants to help me make it through a day or two or ???

I have also been chatting with our new Pastor, PR about my anxiety and he has suggested speaking with the counselor at the church…my plan is to call him this afternoon and make an appointment….I know it can’t hurt EVEN THOUGH it makes my anxiety climb because I don’t want to go back there….but I also know it’s not always about what I want. I will continue to trust the Lord, my hubby and those God has put in my life…

14. Priorities ~ that was one of the words used by Pastor PR two Sunday’s ago in two services and which has also come up in my devotions…today it was on Friends and how we have to make it a priority to connect with friends and how God did not make us to be alone in this world.

Along with that is the priority to do the things I say I WANT to do…as y’all know I love to crochet and it becomes my escape as well as my therapy…I just need to not let it consume me but to also add into my day my other priorities: walking (the plantar fasciitis is getting better (thank you Donna for the bands, thank you J & K for the foot roller and thank you Ron for putting up with my hobbling) I even noticed this morning that my stretching exercises before getting out of bed my foot was not pulling like it has been! cooking healthy meals ~ hard to do at times with the rising costs of groceries…why is eating healthy so darn expensive? I think it’s pretty sad having to choose between paying a bill or buying groceries…this week the groceries came first. writing ~ two of my goals are to write daily or at least 3 or 4x a week here on my blog ~ and also copying my journals from hard copy books to the laptop to work towards the goal of writing a book or at least some articles relating to healing from child abuse, learning how to parent myself the way I should/needed to be parented as a child (major reason for not liking Mother’s Day or Father’s day), helping others with the loss of a baby (please keep CJ & B in your prayers as it’s just been a week since they had to say goodbye to their sweet baby) as well as helping those heal from the trauma of sexual abuse.

Whew!!! guess I will close for the day…I do wish each of you reading this has a great day! And if you think about it, say a prayer for Donna who is having shoulder surgery tomorrow that it will go smoothly and healing with be smooth and super quick!!!

I should be paying bills but feeling so overwhelmed, not knowing who to pay first ~~ things continue to be stressful around the money situation though the light at the end of the tunnel is becoming more than a pin hole…patience Ali…just keep trusting…that’s what I keep telling myself.

God has been talking to me a lot lately, especially through sermons and memories from counseling sessions and books I’ve read…I feel like I have lots to share but then wonder does it really matter if I write things out…but then I think I write for me, because I enjoy it.

One of the themes from the last few church services is being thankful, being blessed, being appreciative and God’s constant reminder to me to stay out of the negative pool!!!

Not even sure how to write this or organize my thoughts so here’s my favorite way to write…a brain dump…hang on…it may get long and crazy LOL!

Count your blessings…so that’s how I’m going to write today…by counting…

1. A young couple in our church lost their 11 day old baby last week. Hearing that news really hit home…can’t believe it will be 45 years that Royce went home to Jesus. Thoughts of “what if” and “how come” have been fluttering around…oh we know the medical reason Royce died but it doesn’t change the ache in this mama’s heart to those baby snuggles. YES!! I am so thankful for Jamie & Brandon but like the poem Little Angels state “no heartache compares to the loss of a child” is still so very true.
   
   Blessings: 2 healthy sons who married two wonderful gals who blessed us with 5 grandchildren!!!
   
2. Death in the family…Ron’s side of the family has experienced so much death in the last year…Uncle Merv, Cousin Larry, 2nd Cousin Jenelle, Cousin Erv are the ones that come to mind…I’m sure there are more
   
   Death in friends families: death of spouses: Tina and Marvalie…I can’t imagine what it is like to lose the love of your life, your mate and friend.
   
   So I give thanks that Ron is still here, that he is soon to be 4 years cancer free, this fall from the ladder wasn’t as serious as it could have been, that Ron loves me unconditionally and has shown me for almost 47 years how loved I am ~ just for me
   
3. Thankful we have found a place to call home at Love Springs Baptist Church ~ I still feel like a visitor lost in the woods but am slowly trying to connect with people…PR (Pastor Ron) has been such an encourager even while facing his own struggles and his almost daily reminders…remember there is always someone who is struggling more than you/ME…give thanks to God for what we have not what we don’t have.
   
4. Thankful for our job ~ oh it’s not perfect, things aren’t always done the way I think they should be done but that’s okay…we have a job in a beautiful part of the country, we are making friends with some of the long term guests, seeing joy on people’s faces as they camp and relax and we have a pool to use!!! Went swimming for the first time the other day…oh how much I enjoyed it and my foot doesn’t hurt while I’m swimming!!!
   
5. Thankful for no major damage to our rig or truck during last night’s nasty thunderstorm and winds…we were safe and warm…okay maybe a little too warm but as the storm passed the cooler air came through and we got a pretty good nights sleep.
   
6. Sunshine ~ it is so pretty outside and I love the view of the trees and seeing kidlets riding bikes and bouncing on the
   and
   
7. So thankful for a flexible schedule which allows for sleeping in some mornings and free time in the afternoons on those early morning workdays.
   
8. Thankful for the welcoming committee at Love Springs Baptist Church and the cards that keep coming in the mail, encouraging us to attend services and get to know others.
   
9. Thankful for technology that lets me keep in contact with our kids and grands…especially when one is under the weather.
   
   
10. Thankful to be able to chat with friends and family over the miles…some in Oregon and Washington, those closer in Georgia ~ thinking back to our time in Holland in 1977-79 when making a phone call was $3 a minute!!! … we only made one!!!

********
My theme for today…being thankful and the reminder to stop comparing my life to others…do you have a theme for the day?
Are you thankful today?

I woke this morning from a dream where I was with Brandon (he was 4 or 5 in my dream) and we were on an elevator headed to take him to school (truly a dream I think most all of his schools were always one floor till he got to college 😏). There were probably 10 other parents/kids on the elevator and none of us could remember what floor the school was on…a gentleman got on, on the 5th floor, told us the school was on the 7th floor ~ now how did he know? As the door opened I picked up B and we stepped off…and then I woke up! What…I was a little shook upon waking but continued in my dream, hugging B and saying it will be okay….

Not sure what that dream meant but I got ready for work and opened my Bible (I have about 45 minutes before I head out the door) and it opened to my notes from last Wednesday night’s message by Pastor PR…I called it the 5 S’s

1. God Strengthens us…

We interrupt this blog post to clean up the coffee mess from someone starting to make his coffee without putting the cup under the coffee spitter outer 😂🤣. Now if you knew the Alice from 35 years ago you would have expected the loudest and biggest volcanic eruption ever BUT FOR GOD! Ali of today, just got up, cleaned and wiped up the mess, not saying much except grab me some towels and got it all cleaned up and a new cup of coffee being made for my sweet hubby!!!

Back to our regular scheduled post 😁

1. God Strengthens us…don’t look back at the “what if’s? but instead focus on all the possibilities that we have in our lives.
2. God Saves us…sometimes even from ourselves, but by believing in Jesus, trusting Him we can and do have everlasting life.
3. God Sympathizes with us…during the sharing of prayer requests we heard of a young couple who’s 11 day old baby had passed away. We don’t know the details but both Ron and I knew that we needed to connect with this young couple. After church we talked with PR, shared briefly about our baby boy, Royce. We told PR we would put together a card to give to them and PR will pass it on. Please pray for this young couple B & CJ and that Ron and I can not only sympathize with them but walk along side them during this difficult time. Our stories are different but we so understand the pain and thoughts, what if’s and how comes from our own journey of saying goodbye to a precious little one.
4. God Sustains us…when things look impossible or scary, as we take a moment to breathe and remember all the hard times we have faced in our lives we are reminded that God keeps us together…maybe not together the way we think we should be together, but He keeps us moving forward, maybe a little zig zagging but we still move forward.
5. God Surprises us! Look for the surprises in your life!!! They don’t have to be the million dollar surprise…but the surprise of being able to hear the little singing of the morning bird, or a sore foot not hurting quite so bad, for how we respond to different situations and are amazed that we (I) didn’t act like a screaming meamy over the the coffee debacle 😜

Or just in how God reminds us of different things he has done in our lives. My scripture reading this morning was from Luke 17:11-19 and titled “Returning to Thank the Healer.”

And I am reminded how much I have grown in the Lord and even on the hard days they aren’t nearly as hard as times passed.

As I sit and reflect on my life…I sort of see it in phases…the girl raised in a divorced home who suffered and experienced so many different types of abuse it’s hard to believe I even made it to graduate from high school ~ yep 47 years ago this past Monday.

The young girl who got married and was a mama before she understood all that would hold. The girl who decided that she wasn’t going to follow in the footsteps of parents who abused their children. The wife who truly wanted to love and be the best wife possible. Becoming a Grammy – the best job and responsibility ever.

But most of all, being the daughter of the King…knowing mistakes happen, but God is a loving and caring God who stands with, sits with and even carries you along when you feel you can’t do it alone.

This blog post has changed as I have written it…not even sure what all I wanted to say but the question going through my mind..

*********

Am I Truly Thankful for ALL that my life is?
Am I Thankful for ALL who have walked this journey with me?

Sometimes I think that’s why I dream, to remind myself of people who have been a part of my life for such a time as this! Maybe a day or two, years or months
BUT for however long I am coming to realize that God does truly care for me and all that happens in my life at the time it happens.

As I’m sitting here, wishing I could gather everyone around me who has loved me, loved me in ways I never understood and let them know that through it all your love and care has not been in vain…but that I am the woman I am today because of how so many loved me through the years! And most off all, so thankful for a God who hasn’t given up on me and who helped me to see this morning that overflowing coffee is really no big deal! And by the end of this year I will have probably forgot about the coffee incident!

💐
Go out today and give thanks!
Thanks for how the Lord
Strengthens,
Saves,
Sympathizes,
Sustains,
and
Surprises you!

I don’t know about y’all but I believe God sends me little signs or prompts…if and when I am open to them…the last 3 1/2 days I’ve been open…it’s a choice. This morning I opened my Bible and a little devotional fell out. It’s called “Confident Living” by Warren Olson, put out by Senior Living Ministries. I must have seen an ad on Facebook or picked it up at one of the many doctor offices I have been in…anyway…I opened it up and the title of the lesson for today was “Live for God’s purposeful mission.”

I then opened my email and the devotion I get from Rick Warren is titled “Focus on your purpose, not your problem.” Okay God, I get the message, it’s not about me (even though I like to tell Ron it’s all about me 😇!) and I remembered a time I was so suicidal and emotionally down in the pits and Pastor Charles called and gave me an assignment…go and clean one of the members of our Northwood family whose wife had recently passed away…I didn’t want to go but I did (99.9% of the time if Pastor Charles said do something I did…but that’s another story for another time. I called Jack, set up a time and went and spent four hours cleaning his home. Even played with Orca (the dog who I was petrified of) and walked out feeling so much better emotionally and spiritually and a good kind of tired.

Focus on others ~ put purpose in my behavior and so this morning I think about my purpose…it’s different than it was a year ago, three years ago, 10 and even 20 years ago…but in reality it is the same…to love as Jesus loved, to care as Jesus cared and to be an encourager to those I come into contact with.

I got up and got ready for work this morning and then went for my little walk…

and while walking I found a squished beer can in the middle of the road…I bent down and picked it up (does that count as stretching😂?) and carried it home and put it in the trash. My mind went lots of places…why do people throw trash around? why don’t people pick up after themselves? I could just leave it and let one of the guys pick it up but instead I just picked it up and carried it home…didn’t cost me anything and now there’s a little less trash laying around. Which led me to thinking about

and how my lack of thinking about my purpose has contributed to my depression and worthlessness feelings and so this morning I thank Jesus for showing me I have purpose…

I have purpose in lots of areas…being a wife, mom, grammy, friend, sister, employee, aunt, and yes, even a troublemaker at times (all in fun!) and how in every role I am in, there is purpose ~ even if that purpose is just to pick up a small piece of trash or bring a smile to someone’s face!

******
So my question for the day ~ what is your purpose?
And that leads to ~ do you, like me, need a reminder that we each have a purpose and what is important is what we do with that purpose.

I left y’all yesterday so I could go to the doctor ~ first off, we both really like Dr. Nesmith! He listens, asks great questions, tells us like it is, took the time to answer all my questions and even asked a few of his own LOL! And he’s very handsome LOL!

He checked my foot…gave me nine exercises to do…start with one, then add the others in as my foot begins to feel better…said to start back on walking, short 5 minute walks and to be patient…plantar fasciitis takes a long time to heal…be patient ~ he obviously doesn’t know me yet!!! Hey if anyone has any of those stretchy bands that are just tucked away somewhere, this gal would be so appreciative to have them. We discussed the need to change my insulin…what was covered by insurance in Florida is not covered here in South Carolina so will be starting on Toujeo in the next week…praying for the funds to come in to cover that.

And before YOU send me a text telling me to stop begging for money…not begging at all just saying how it is. Yes I was told by someone that when I share we are having a financial need that it sounds like I’m begging and to stop sharing the personal stuff…well I’ve decided God loves me just the way I am and like I told Dr. Nesmith…what you see is what you get…yes I wear my emotions on my sleeve, yes I probably share too much but if it doesn’t come out it tears me up on the inside and I start down the slippery slope!!! And we all know that is not a good thing.

Back to my doctor’s visit…as he said, I was headed down a rabbit trail! I lost 7 lbs since leaving Florida!!! Yay me!!! And that’s with having a foot I could hardly walk on!!! Had 3 vials of blood taken…hey, I’m thankful she got it…it took two arms and three pokes but she got what she needed. Doc said he would call if things didn’t look good but to remember “no news is good news.” We talked about my anxiety and depression…he increased my antidepressant, thanked me for being honest with him about how I was doing. And he would see me in six weeks!!!

So I give praise to God for allowing me to find this new doctor, for there being no issues having Ron go with me and for a listening ear!!! Yes, I’m feeling encouraged.

We spent the rest of the day just relaxing and I did a little crocheting. Got an order for four eyelet purses and want to get them done and in the mail by the end of the week…I will share pictures when they are finished. The best part is I didn’t need to purchase any yarn so the stash is getting smaller and soon I hope to have another happy customer!!!

This morning I opened my Bible…was going to read Proverbs 7 ~ you know chapter 7 for the day of the month, but my Bible opened up to Proverbs 6 and the daily devotion was titled “The Anatomy of a Sin Addiction” there’s that word again ~ addiction! I had to chuckle as I thought “Lord, help me to focus on the positive today, to count my blessings and not my addiction to negativity.”

I turned to The Message…it shares in plain, easy to understand English:

Romans 7: ^14-16 I can anticipate the response that is coming: “I know that all God’s commands are spiritual, but I’m not. Isn’t this also your experience?” Yes. I’m full of myself—after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary. ^17-20 But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.^21-23 It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.²⁴ I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?²⁵ The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

And I was encouraged again…to remember to breathe, take one step at a time, don’t worry about tomorrow, to do things in love just as Jesus loved me, to keep trusting Jesus, to be me.

******
As I think about today and looking around our little home on wheels
I see that just like my life gets filled with stuff and junk that our little home on wheels needs some attention so I think it’s time to crank up the worship music, do some cleaning and then go for a little walk, remembering to breathe in, to be in the moment and to remind myself don’t stress about tomorrow, just enjoy today and to count my blessings!!!

Maybe that’s what I will do tomorrow morning…start a list of all my blessings, wonder if I can list them one by one…what about you ~ do you want to join me tomorrow in writing out all your blessings?

WARNING: THIS IS LONG AND EMOTIONAL!!!
If y’all know me, when the blog is quiet it usually means I’m struggling…and it’s been almost a month since I have written but even longer since I have written on a regular basis…YES I’ve been struggling.

I’ve been struggling with lots of things ~ life, depression, anxiety, loneliness, fear, did I say anxiety, fear, depression, frustration, self-loathing. Oh how the list could go on and on AND it has been going on and on. For way too long.

My depression and anxiety started while we were still working at A Kids Place. We left there October 21, 2021! I should have gotten specific help at that time, but I’m kind of stubborn like that…I knew I could work through it. I know the drill, I know what I need to do, I know how to do it and I half-heartedly did it.

But life kept going, things got harder ~ some due to our circumstances: no job, then three hospitalizations (two for Ron and one for me)…all heart related!!! Finances got tight, then even tighter. My inner anger, out anger, frustration with myself and those around me grew.

I jumped into helping a friend…don’t get me wrong…I am thankful I was able to devote 3 1/2 weeks to her and being a support. Isn’t it funny (not ha ha funny either), even while dealing with my own crap I was able to do what I was taught and encouraged so many years ago ~ help someone else, focus on someone else.

We found a new job, moved again. Oh how I miss seeing my grands and B & D on a regular basis, I miss feeling needed in the Grammy way. I miss my walks with Alex after school, chatting with Christopher while he ate and comparing diabetes information with Treyson. I miss the leftovers ~ B & D are such good cooks and the boys are learning too!!! Even though we weren’t super involved at New River Church I miss Pastor Fred and his practical sermons…listening online is just not the same as being in the congregation.

When we moved, Ron and I said we would find a church sooner than later…and we have…Love Springs Baptist Church…it’s only 4 miles from the campground. Our typical Sunday schedule allows us to go to the morning worship service (though we do leave early to get to work) and we make it to the Sunday night service (though we walk in about 20 minutes late! ~ y’all don’t understand how hard that is to do!!!!). We have received so many cards in the mail from total strangers but each one has brought a smile or two to our faces. PR, the pastor, has reached out numerous times, encourages us that it’s okay to be late arriving or early leaving…he just says “come on!”

In the last month I haven’t really opened my Bible except during church. OH NO!!! WHAT KIND OF CHRISTIAN IS THAT??? A living, breathing, struggling child of God ~ that’s who!!! Every sermon we have heard, every song we have sung has spoken to me. And yesterday was no different…Saturday night Ron and I talked about going to church, even set our alarms. This is Sunday morning texts w/PR:

Sent at 9:52 am, from me to PR:
Good morning…just wanted to let you know we won’t be there this morning ~ I can’t stand on my foot at all this morning. Just getting up to go to the restroom I almost fell and it’s only about six steps. We hope to be there this evening, a little late because of work schedule but still be there.
Sent at 10:06 am, from me to PR:
Ron just rolled out of bed and wants to go to church…we will be late, as usual LOL. Hopefully there will be a couple of chairs in the back 😊.
Received from PR Pastor at 10:08 am:
Come on.

And so we walked into the morning worship service at 10:37 am ~ they even waited to start the service till we got there 😂 just kidding ~ they always start a little late 🤣.

And this is one of the songs that was sung:

I Speak Jesus

Darlene Zschech, Here Be Lions

I just want to speak the name of Jesus
Over every heart and every mind
‘Cause I know there is peace within your presence
I speak Jesus

I just want to speak the name of Jesus
‘Til every dark addiction starts to break
Declaring there is hope and there is freedom
I speak Jesus

‘Cause your name is power
Your name is healing
Your name is life
Break every stronghold
Shine through the shadows
Burn like a fire

I just want to speak the name of Jesus
Over fear and all anxiety
To every soul held captive by depression
I speak Jesus

Your name is power
Your name is healing
Your name is life
Break every stronghold
Shine through the shadows
Burn like the fire

Shout Jesus from the mountains
Jesus in the streets
Jesus in the darkness over every enemy
Jesus for my family
I speak the holy name
Jesus

Shout Jesus from the mountains
Jesus in the streets
Jesus in the darkness over every enemy
Jesus for my family
I speak the holy name
Jesus

Shout Jesus from the mountains
And Jesus in the streets
Jesus in the darkness over every enemy
Jesus for my family
I speak the holy name
Jesus

Your name is power
Your name is healing
Your name is life
Break every stronghold
Shine through the shadows
Burn like a fire

Your name is power
Your name is healing
Your name is life
Break every stronghold
Shine through the shadows
Burn like a fire

I just want to speak the name of Jesus
Over every heart and every mind
‘Cause I know there is peace within his presence
I speak Jesus

Songwriters: Jesse Reeves / Dustin Smith / Raina Patt / Kristen Dutton / Carlene Prince / Abigail Benton
I Speak Jesus lyrics © Integrity’s Praise! Music, Here Be Lions Publishing

And then PR shared about Fanny Crosby, writing

Did y’all know she was blinded at the age of 6 weeks? and that she wrote hundreds if not thousands of songs/hymns…and the thought that went through my mind as I listened was “if a blind little girl can see the love and light of Jesus then this 64 year old, overweight, wife, mom & grammy could see the light of Jesus too!!!

My notes (written on 4 sticky notes because that’s how I do it) from the morning sermon THAT I know PR was preaching to me.
~ everyone has a problem
~ quit focusing on the negative!
~ count your blessings! STOP complaining!
Ephesians 3:20-21
Chapters 1~3: Beliefs, Know
Chapters 4~6: Behaviors, Do
~ Praise God! Thank God!
~ Don’t pay attention to your neighbor!
~ Crazy…we are all crazy in our own sort of way. The memory of the first time I was in the hospital ~ psyche ward! ~ Halloween night and Ron taking the boys to Lori and Darrell’s and Lori asking Ron “what did you do? drive Alice crazy?” and Ron’s simple response “yes.” ~~~ guess you had to be there or be me to know this was really funny!!!
~ quit focusing on the negative!
~ don’t brag
~ HE (God) gives me strength when I just want to give up
~ stand/WALK in his power
~ God gives me unusual stability ~ HE is who keeps me grounded!
~ slippery slopes (when the pastor uses your own words to speak to you, you know he is only speaking to you and it’s not a term you have spoken to the new pastor ~ I may bend but I won’t break – BECAUSE GOD IS WITH ME!
~ God is the one who satisfies!!!
~ How BIG is my GOD? Don’t limit what God can do…HE CAN DO ALL THINGS!!!

and then we had to leave for work. I was quiet as we walked to the truck, my mind kept going over what I had just sang and heard and how God kept reminding me ~ you are only bending, you are not breaking.

We worked in the afternoon…me for 3.25 hours and Ron for 5.25 hours…trusting God that our hours will cover our expenses and help us to get out of the hole, the hole that seems immeasurable but reminding myself GOD is BIG ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF OUR NEEDS AND OBLIGATIONS.

And then we went to the evening service at Love Springs Baptist Church. We listened to Joseph Habedank. Oh how the Lord moved in my heart. Check out Joseph’s website here. One song he sang:

SHAME ON ME
Joseph Habedank, Michael Boggs, Jason Cox
Shame tried to tell me, “Keep looking back”
Guilt held me captive to the pain of the past,
Regret used to whisper, “You had your chance”
But Satan’s a liar, I know who I am
I am saved by the blood of the Lamb,
I am free, yeah I’ve been born again
I am forgiven, a child of the King,
There ain’t no shame on me
Fear is a coward, doubt is a thief,
And worry can drive you straight to defeat,
But there is a promise He’s given to me,
The battle’s been won, He’s my victory
I am unworthy and so undeserving,
I’m nothing without Him, I know,
He’s broken every chain, wiped away every stain,
He washed me whiter than snow
And I know, that I know, that I know…

And I heard Jesus say to me…stop looking backwards, stop looking at the negative. Joseph shared his testimony of living with addiction…and it hit me…I am addicted ~ I am addicted to living in the negative (among other things), that’s how I live, if I’m sick or hurting, anxious or desperate, having problems, am the problem then and only then will people love me, take care of me, feel important and needed!!! BUT those are Satan’s lies to me….

PR asked for anyone dealing with an addiction to come to the front and the next thing I knew I was standing in the front of the church at the altar, hearing Jesus say to me “there is no shame in admitting you need help, there is no shame in admitting you can’t do it alone, there is no shame in being you, being me, and most of all Jesus loves me just the way I am AND SO DOES RON!!! Thank you Jesus for my husband of 46+ years who loves me just the way I am, foibles and all!!!

PR prayed with me and I’m asking y’all to pray with and for me too…today I have a doctor’s appointment (long overdue). Pray that I can be honest with him, adjust my medication if necessary and most importantly focus on the good things, my blessings ~ we have a job, we have our little home on wheels, we have health insurance and we have each other and a new church family to love on and to love us! Help me to remember I am bending ~ FLEXIBLE JUST CAME TO MIND 🥹 and I am not broken. Pray for the things that cause me anxiety: wondering where the $$ will come from to pay for my insulin (yep I need it again, for my foot to feel better so I can get out and do my daily walking without hobbling like an old lady. And yes, I know I’m an old lady but dang I shouldn’t have to hobble everywhere 😂🤣🥹! And for when the negative thoughts come to mind, that I can turn them around and see something good and positive.

******
Stay tuned…I’m sure God will give me more to share!!!
And thank you to those who pray for me and love me with all my foibles and all!