It’s Been Awhile ~

WARNING: THIS IS LONG AND EMOTIONAL!!!
If y’all know me, when the blog is quiet it usually means I’m struggling…and it’s been almost a month since I have written but even longer since I have written on a regular basis…YES I’ve been struggling.

I’ve been struggling with lots of things ~ life, depression, anxiety, loneliness, fear, did I say anxiety, fear, depression, frustration, self-loathing. Oh how the list could go on and on AND it has been going on and on. For way too long.

My depression and anxiety started while we were still working at A Kids Place. We left there October 21, 2021! I should have gotten specific help at that time, but I’m kind of stubborn like that…I knew I could work through it. I know the drill, I know what I need to do, I know how to do it and I half-heartedly did it.

But life kept going, things got harder ~ some due to our circumstances: no job, then three hospitalizations (two for Ron and one for me)…all heart related!!! Finances got tight, then even tighter. My inner anger, out anger, frustration with myself and those around me grew.

I jumped into helping a friend…don’t get me wrong…I am thankful I was able to devote 3 1/2 weeks to her and being a support. Isn’t it funny (not ha ha funny either), even while dealing with my own crap I was able to do what I was taught and encouraged so many years ago ~ help someone else, focus on someone else.

We found a new job, moved again. Oh how I miss seeing my grands and B & D on a regular basis, I miss feeling needed in the Grammy way. I miss my walks with Alex after school, chatting with Christopher while he ate and comparing diabetes information with Treyson. I miss the leftovers ~ B & D are such good cooks and the boys are learning too!!! Even though we weren’t super involved at New River Church I miss Pastor Fred and his practical sermons…listening online is just not the same as being in the congregation.

When we moved, Ron and I said we would find a church sooner than later…and we have…Love Springs Baptist Church…it’s only 4 miles from the campground. Our typical Sunday schedule allows us to go to the morning worship service (though we do leave early to get to work) and we make it to the Sunday night service (though we walk in about 20 minutes late! ~ y’all don’t understand how hard that is to do!!!!). We have received so many cards in the mail from total strangers but each one has brought a smile or two to our faces. PR, the pastor, has reached out numerous times, encourages us that it’s okay to be late arriving or early leaving…he just says “come on!”

In the last month I haven’t really opened my Bible except during church. OH NO!!! WHAT KIND OF CHRISTIAN IS THAT??? A living, breathing, struggling child of God ~ that’s who!!! Every sermon we have heard, every song we have sung has spoken to me. And yesterday was no different…Saturday night Ron and I talked about going to church, even set our alarms. This is Sunday morning texts w/PR:

Sent at 9:52 am, from me to PR:
Good morning…just wanted to let you know we won’t be there this morning ~ I can’t stand on my foot at all this morning. Just getting up to go to the restroom I almost fell and it’s only about six steps. We hope to be there this evening, a little late because of work schedule but still be there.
Sent at 10:06 am, from me to PR:
Ron just rolled out of bed and wants to go to church…we will be late, as usual LOL. Hopefully there will be a couple of chairs in the back 😊.
Received from PR Pastor at 10:08 am:
Come on.

And so we walked into the morning worship service at 10:37 am ~ they even waited to start the service till we got there 😂 just kidding ~ they always start a little late 🤣.

And this is one of the songs that was sung:

I Speak Jesus

Darlene Zschech, Here Be Lions

I just want to speak the name of Jesus
Over every heart and every mind
‘Cause I know there is peace within your presence
I speak Jesus

I just want to speak the name of Jesus
‘Til every dark addiction starts to break
Declaring there is hope and there is freedom
I speak Jesus

‘Cause your name is power
Your name is healing
Your name is life
Break every stronghold
Shine through the shadows
Burn like a fire

I just want to speak the name of Jesus
Over fear and all anxiety
To every soul held captive by depression
I speak Jesus

Your name is power
Your name is healing
Your name is life
Break every stronghold
Shine through the shadows
Burn like the fire

Shout Jesus from the mountains
Jesus in the streets
Jesus in the darkness over every enemy
Jesus for my family
I speak the holy name
Jesus

Shout Jesus from the mountains
Jesus in the streets
Jesus in the darkness over every enemy
Jesus for my family
I speak the holy name
Jesus

Shout Jesus from the mountains
And Jesus in the streets
Jesus in the darkness over every enemy
Jesus for my family
I speak the holy name
Jesus

Your name is power
Your name is healing
Your name is life
Break every stronghold
Shine through the shadows
Burn like a fire

Your name is power
Your name is healing
Your name is life
Break every stronghold
Shine through the shadows
Burn like a fire

I just want to speak the name of Jesus
Over every heart and every mind
‘Cause I know there is peace within his presence
I speak Jesus

Songwriters: Jesse Reeves / Dustin Smith / Raina Patt / Kristen Dutton / Carlene Prince / Abigail Benton
I Speak Jesus lyrics © Integrity’s Praise! Music, Here Be Lions Publishing

And then PR shared about Fanny Crosby, writing

Did y’all know she was blinded at the age of 6 weeks? and that she wrote hundreds if not thousands of songs/hymns…and the thought that went through my mind as I listened was “if a blind little girl can see the love and light of Jesus then this 64 year old, overweight, wife, mom & grammy could see the light of Jesus too!!!

My notes (written on 4 sticky notes because that’s how I do it) from the morning sermon THAT I know PR was preaching to me.
~ everyone has a problem
~ quit focusing on the negative!
~ count your blessings! STOP complaining!
Ephesians 3:20-21
Chapters 1~3: Beliefs, Know
Chapters 4~6: Behaviors, Do
~ Praise God! Thank God!
~ Don’t pay attention to your neighbor!
~ Crazy…we are all crazy in our own sort of way. The memory of the first time I was in the hospital ~ psyche ward! ~ Halloween night and Ron taking the boys to Lori and Darrell’s and Lori asking Ron “what did you do? drive Alice crazy?” and Ron’s simple response “yes.” ~~~ guess you had to be there or be me to know this was really funny!!!
~ quit focusing on the negative!
~ don’t brag
~ HE (God) gives me strength when I just want to give up
~ stand/WALK in his power
~ God gives me unusual stability ~ HE is who keeps me grounded!
~ slippery slopes (when the pastor uses your own words to speak to you, you know he is only speaking to you and it’s not a term you have spoken to the new pastor ~ I may bend but I won’t break – BECAUSE GOD IS WITH ME!
~ God is the one who satisfies!!!
~ How BIG is my GOD? Don’t limit what God can do…HE CAN DO ALL THINGS!!!

and then we had to leave for work. I was quiet as we walked to the truck, my mind kept going over what I had just sang and heard and how God kept reminding me ~ you are only bending, you are not breaking.

We worked in the afternoon…me for 3.25 hours and Ron for 5.25 hours…trusting God that our hours will cover our expenses and help us to get out of the hole, the hole that seems immeasurable but reminding myself GOD is BIG ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF OUR NEEDS AND OBLIGATIONS.

And then we went to the evening service at Love Springs Baptist Church. We listened to Joseph Habedank. Oh how the Lord moved in my heart. Check out Joseph’s website here. One song he sang:

SHAME ON ME
Joseph Habedank, Michael Boggs, Jason Cox
Shame tried to tell me, “Keep looking back”
Guilt held me captive to the pain of the past,
Regret used to whisper, “You had your chance”
But Satan’s a liar, I know who I am
I am saved by the blood of the Lamb,
I am free, yeah I’ve been born again
I am forgiven, a child of the King,
There ain’t no shame on me
Fear is a coward, doubt is a thief,
And worry can drive you straight to defeat,
But there is a promise He’s given to me,
The battle’s been won, He’s my victory
I am unworthy and so undeserving,
I’m nothing without Him, I know,
He’s broken every chain, wiped away every stain,
He washed me whiter than snow
And I know, that I know, that I know…

And I heard Jesus say to me…stop looking backwards, stop looking at the negative. Joseph shared his testimony of living with addiction…and it hit me…I am addicted ~ I am addicted to living in the negative (among other things), that’s how I live, if I’m sick or hurting, anxious or desperate, having problems, am the problem then and only then will people love me, take care of me, feel important and needed!!! BUT those are Satan’s lies to me….

PR asked for anyone dealing with an addiction to come to the front and the next thing I knew I was standing in the front of the church at the altar, hearing Jesus say to me “there is no shame in admitting you need help, there is no shame in admitting you can’t do it alone, there is no shame in being you, being me, and most of all Jesus loves me just the way I am AND SO DOES RON!!! Thank you Jesus for my husband of 46+ years who loves me just the way I am, foibles and all!!!

PR prayed with me and I’m asking y’all to pray with and for me too…today I have a doctor’s appointment (long overdue). Pray that I can be honest with him, adjust my medication if necessary and most importantly focus on the good things, my blessings ~ we have a job, we have our little home on wheels, we have health insurance and we have each other and a new church family to love on and to love us! Help me to remember I am bending ~ FLEXIBLE JUST CAME TO MIND 🥹 and I am not broken. Pray for the things that cause me anxiety: wondering where the $$ will come from to pay for my insulin (yep I need it again, for my foot to feel better so I can get out and do my daily walking without hobbling like an old lady. And yes, I know I’m an old lady but dang I shouldn’t have to hobble everywhere 😂🤣🥹! And for when the negative thoughts come to mind, that I can turn them around and see something good and positive.

******
Stay tuned…I’m sure God will give me more to share!!!
And thank you to those who pray for me and love me with all my foibles and all!