Attitude, Behavior, Family, Friends, Memories


The above verse was the scripture art for today. As I read it I have hope, hope even in the midst of struggling times. Yesterday was a hard day for me, the day before was a hard day for me but today I feel energized and awake.

The alarm went off with a bang this morning and as I woke from a dream I thought “glad that was a dream…what a mess.” Not sure of all of it…I was in the car with a friend of a friend after having an argument with my friend because I volunteered her to do a ceramic piece without speaking to her…she was really pissed even after I apologized a lot…we were packing up our little house to move and I was feeling stressed because the deadline was looming and Ron was taking his own sweet time doing things.  Then in the car I had to go to the bathroom..finally found a port-a-potty…more like a port-a-six-potty…it even had college girls cleaning it…went into three different stalls before finding one with toilet paper.  I had college girls walking into the stall helping me clean up.  I kept apologizing for the mess though looking around all the mess was on paper not on the toilet or even me…I kept saying I was sorry to my friend even though I don’t even know where she was, told our mutual friend that my friend was being pretty harsh just because I said she would make this other gal something…there was no rush and she could do it when she wanted…I woke up thinking…boy what a dream…when the alarm scared the you know what out of me LOL…as I walked to the bathroom I kept telling myself I was glad it was a dream…not sure what all this moving is going on in my dreams, poop everywhere but nowhere.  But very relieved it was a dream.

Dreams are weird at times…and then I wonder what does it all mean? I think dreams happen because our days are so full of stuff that our dreams are trying to work out things that are going on in our minds…what do you think?

I was scrolling through Facebook yesterday and thinking about when Ron and I got married, almost 45 years ago and wondered what happened to the pastor who married us. I found the Facebook page for the little church we were married in in Las Vegas and reached out to see if anyone remembered or knew Gary. Found out Gary died in 1978 after being sick for a quite a while. We left Las Vegas in October 1977 when the Air Force transferred us to the Netherlands, Camp New Amsterdam, Soesterberg, The Netherlands. Life was crazy for me/us…new babies, one baby dying, moving across the world at age 19, new beginnings and scary times. And thinking now, I was so wrapped up in me/us I forgot about our friends in Las Vegas. Oh I have thought about the friends we had there over the years and wonder where and how some of them are doing. But yet they are just a memory in my mind. And I am reminded that this world is not about me but about others…and then I think about our sermon from Sunday about being a disciple and the note I wrote out at the top of the page “Stop being selfish and focus on those who the Lord brings into my life.”

I am reminded to reach out to those I love and care about, let them know that I love and care for them…not just think about them but let them know. Whether they are close by or 2,000 miles from me…I need to reach out to others.

And then another memory popped up…Jamie was in Iraq and I was so fearful that he was going to be killed over there…I was so often paralyzed in fear I could hardly get out of bed. One day Pastor Charles called to see how I was doing and I told him I was still in bed (around 11am) and he told me he had a project for me. I was to get up, get dressed, call our friend Jack and tell him I was coming to his house to clean it for him. Jack’s wife, Dee had passed away about 4 months before BUT I couldn’t tell Jack why I was coming to clean his house (because Charles told me too!) I was just to go and do it. I remember calling Jack and at first he was hesitant but I insisted. I remember pulling up in the driveway and thinking…what the heck am I doing? Why would Charles think I needed to clean Jack’s house? But I did what I was told because that’s what good girls do…that’s another story for another day…back to cleaning Jack’s house.

I spent about 4 hours there. The dog followed me from room to room. I dusted and swept, mopped and wiped down counter tops, cleaned out the fridge and changed the sheets on the beds and even put fresh flowers on the center of the dining room table. I left before Jack got home. A couple of weeks later he told me that he smiled when he came in and saw the flowers…they reminded him of his sweet wife Dee and thanked me for the pleasant memory. I remember when I drove away how I felt good, not for cleaning the house but for doing something for someone else just because. Reaching out to someone else…and that’s the reminder to me today…get out of my skin and reach out to others in my life.

We have had a rough week with the kidlets and I hate going off with a negative air in the home so this morning I’m going to reach out to the kidlets…let’s have watermelon for breakfast!!! Let’s start the day fresh!!!

How are you going to reach out to someone today?


Jumbled Mess

That’s me right now…I feel like my mind doesn’t stay focused and jumbles it way around the room or in this case my head and heart. A friend had posted one of those pictures with a zillion words and it said the first three you see is what/where you are.

My words were: Creation, Gratitude, Connection

Creation didn’t really resonate with me though I guess I am creating things being a House Parent…trying to create healthy and happy young people. Though right now two of our three kidlets are not happy little things: one is mad at me because I told them they needed to clean their bedroom and get rid of the garbage that keeps piling up in their room. Another one is mad at me because I called them in from outside to pick up all their toys and blankets which they had said they had already picked up. One is laying on the floor by the sliding glass door watching the mama bird feeding the little babies in their nest which is at the top center of our house eave.

So I ask myself…what am I creating? Not really sure of the answer to that question.

Gratitude…I try real hard to be thankful for the many blessings in my life. And there are many…a husband who is cancer free, a husband who loves and sometimes I wonder why??? Two healthy son’s, they are each married to wonderful women and between the two of them we have been blessed with five grandchildren.

I am thankful for our jobs, even on the hard days and lately there seems to be many of them. We have money to pay all our bills, to go to Sonics to get a slushy when we want one…just yesterday in fact and was I surprised when I ordered five of them and the bill was less that $5—didn’t know it was happy hour and it was buy one get one free!!! We have plenty of groceries and don’t worry about where the money will come from to buy more when we need it. We buy fresh fruit because we can, in fact we are having watermelon with our dinner this evening. There are so many things to be thankful for and I am reminded I am blessed beyond measure…I say that because I can’t list everything for which I am blessed…too many too count!!!

Connection…that jumped out at me because I am feeling a lack of connection. I don’t feel connected with friends…people I have known for many years and have lots in common but yet feeling so disconnected. With some family members…feeling like I have to watch what I say and how I say it lest I offend someone.

I shared with a friend the other day about how frustrated I am with Facebook right now…it seems everyone is looking for the negative, searching to find things to disagree over instead of loving and encouraging one another. And then I stop and look at myself…if I am seeing those things in others I am probably doing the same…and seeing the negative in things just tears me down, helps my depression to rear its ugly head and then I go down the slippery slope…maybe not as far as in years past but still down it a bit. And that’s not good for me or for anyone else for that matter.

I’m struggling with my grumpiness right now and when I hear one of my kidlets say “I’m not going to ask XXXX because I don’t want you to get mad.” I know my grumpiness is out of control. And that is not good. I am reminded of something that was shared with us many years ago when we worked at Astor House in Newberg, OR

Our Residents do not live in our | Sticker wall art, Vinyl wall ...

And this is true for our kidlets…this is their home, we work in their home, we have our own home to go into…and my job is to make their home a happy and healthy place for them to live.

Oh how I needed this reminder today!!! Lord forgive me for being so grumpy with these precious little ones. Help me to love them the way you, Abba Father love me! Jesus you love the little children…help me to love them too!!!

Attitude, Change, Time management

Just Thinking Out Loud

I borrowed the title from a friend’s post on Facebook…raw and where I am ….

I am not in a good head space…every little thing is getting on my nerves. I am tired, I am tired of being tired and I’m tired of not feeling good. It’s not sick like puking or a cold. I just plain don’t feel good.

This morning I started two different emails to two different friends and ended up trashing them because I was using language (f’ing) a lot and that’s not me…but it is a signal to me that my frame of mind is not good. So I deleted both emails.

I then saw a friend’s post that said she was taking a few days off to make an attitude adjustment…YEP that’s what I need…

Attitude Adjustment – Red Bank Baptist Women's Ministry

So I called to make an appointment with Ron’s doctor…I have issues with the physician I have been seeing here in Yoakum and the one Ron has been seeing in Victoria seems like a good fit for him so it might work for me. But alas, the office is closed for lunch. I will try later this afternoon.

I also made myself something to eat. Probably not the healthiest…leftover top ramen with eggs…but it is warm going down and feels good in my tummy.

Sunday I went to church and Sunday School, first time in a long time. We don’t usually go on our weekends off because it’s hard to not interact with the kidlets…they don’t always understand “being off.” Living in a small community is nice at times but not always.

One of the questions raised in Sunday School was “What is the calling on your life?” We are to serve God, share Christ’s love with others and personally I think one of my calling’s or gift is encouragement…to be an encourager to others. But it got me to thinking…who is my encourager? So often lately I feel so alone. Not physically alone but emotionally alone. Well maybe physically too…I email with my bestie quite often yet I yearn to have time with her, to sit at Wood’s and share a cup of coffee. It seems like it has been forever since we have seen each other, shared a hug and laughed and cried together. I miss her very much.

And when I’m missing her and other friends I begin to yearn for a relationship with my sister, my blood sister…we haven’t spoken in almost 12 years and so often I wish she would just tell me what I have done to hurt her that she hates me so much. I know she is jealous of the things I have. Which isn’t even things. It’s people in my life: my husband, our son’s, their wives, our five grandchildren. A good relationship with my pastor from home, friends we have made along the way in our travels. I miss my sister, I wish she would act like an adult and discuss with me what happened or what is happening…as the saying goes “it takes two to tango” and it takes two to make a relationship.

Back to the Sunday school lesson…one of the questions that came up in my mind was “why do we have to label people.” Someone made the comment about Democrats and Republicans…what the heck happened to just being people?

The worship service was nice…it was nice to sing together as a group again. The sermon was titled “Go Make Disciples.” So the first question is what does it mean to make a disciple and to be a disciple? A disciple is “one who accepts and assists in spreading the doctrines of another: such as. a Christianity : one of the twelve in the inner circle of Christ’s followers according to the Gospel accounts. b : a convinced adherent of a school or individual a disciple of Freud.”

So I am a disciple of Christ. I believe in Christ, accept Him as my personal savior and I try to follow the covenants of His Word, the Bible. Further, I would like to think I am a disciple of following and promoting good morals and values. I have tried to teach our boys to know right and wrong along with our grandchildren and the children we are caring for and have cared for over the years.

But I digress from the sermon: if I want to be a disciple of Christ I have to learn and know everything I can about Him. And to do that I must spend time with Him, reading his word, talking to him and learning from him.

TIME that is the key to everything…I need to use my time to guide and teach our kidlets, spend time with those I want relationships with, spend time nurturing my own heart and soul which then allows me to love and nurture those in my life.

Time seems like such a little thing yet in many ways is a big thing…time is precious, time is here and now. We all have the same 24 hours each day, 1440 minutes to do with each and every day. The question for me now is “how am I going to spend those minutes…lately it seems my awake minutes have been used for lots of stinkin’ thinkin’ ~ what a waste of time.

And then Romans 7 comes to mind: 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me

And in thinking about sin in this context I see the answer loud and clear…


I am focused on me…I need to readjust my focus on those around me, those I want to spend time with. I think of

JOY! by Bunky Business | Teachers Pay Teachers

and by changing my focus my attitude will change, change for the better.

In closing I want to say thank you to Roy for your post titled “Just Speaking Out Loud” as it was the encouragement I needed to spend some time writing, praying and thinking.

So my question to you is
How do you change your attitude when you are in a funk?



…why there is so much strife in the world today?

…what happened to treat others the way you want to be treated?

…why there is much anger…and is it really anger or fear? I was always taught anger is the secondary feeling to something else ~ like fear, hurt, anxiousness?

…what is going to be the final outcome of all the hate streaming forth?

I think it’s pretty sad when a governor tells it’s citizens to arm themselves at all costs.

I think it’s pretty sad when a parent or caregiver decides to take a young child to a protest where the possibility of violence can break out…what kind of caregiver/parent is thinking of their child in that moment?

…wondering if World War III is going to break out here in the USA? by our own citizens against our own citizens.

…what can I do to help turn the tide…turn the anger, the fear, the anxiousness into something positive…

I can do what I’m doing…I can take care of the children placed in my care. I can teach them to love, to do the right thing and look for the positive in all situations.

I can keep my thoughts and opinions to myself to avoid conflict because to me, it seems each time I try to engage in a conversation about the issues someone gets mad, gets angry with me and tells me I am wrong…I am wrong because I don’t think the way they do…I am not a puppet and you are not a puppet. We are each individuals living in a place where we need to express love and kindness, be encouraging instead of tearing people apart.

I have many people in my life where we don’t think the same over some major points of conversation but we aren’t calling each other names, we aren’t spewing hate and anger at each…we each share our thoughts, we continue to love each other and then we agree to disagree….what we disagree about is so minuscule compared to what we do agree on.

I was in a training yesterday and the facilitator said that he and his son had to “agree to disagree” over some topics…I do that often…I don’t always agree with my grown sons or my daughters-in-love but we agree on so much more than we don’t…it’s called focusing on what we agree on…loving the children and listening to each other. It’s not trying to prove my point or them trying to prove their point. There are just some things we disagree on. That doesn’t mean we stop loving each other, it doesn’t mean we don’t want the best for each other, it doesn’t mean we call each other names…it means agreeing to disagree.

Shoot…Ron and I have been married for almost 45 years…we come from very different backgrounds, our parents raised us in very different ways, heck we even have disagreements about how we raised our boys and our raising these kidlets currently in our care…but we love each other, we listen to each other, we talk with each other and sometimes we have to agree to disagree. And we live in peace with each other.

Why? Because we are adults and we have learned we don’t always have to be right…heck we can both be right and still disagree.


On another note yet maybe still the same note…I think I know part of why I have not been feeling well…physically and emotionally…because I want to avoid conflict so I keep things tucked inside…and I think back to this picture

Image may contain: text that says 'OUTRAGED by George Floyd's Death. Supports GOOD Cops. Me Does not CONDONE looting and rioting.'

And I wish I knew how to edit this picture to make more circles the same size as the bigger circles, continuing to keep ME in the middle and adding other topics…I think back to a time I was in counseling and my therapist asked me to describe myself and I replied “I’m an abusive parent” and that’s the only way I could describe myself…Tom asked me if I was flat, a one sided piece of paper? I replied no, but that is exactly how I saw myself. Whereas in reality I have many parts of me, parts where some of me are bigger than other parts but lots of parts of me, of who I am. Isn’t that how we all are? Made up of lots of little parts/pieces to make us whole…I have lots of good parts and yet there are parts of me that I don’t even like looking at. I think of a song that Roy Morris sings:

And right now I feel like I have lots of secret places that I can’t share about for fear of being yelled at, argued with, ignored and told I’m wrong…so I remain quiet.

And if you know me at all…being quiet is hard to do. But for now it is what I feel I must be…quiet.

You are probably aren’t being quiet…you are writing on your blog, open for all to see and read…yes I’m writing a bit yet being very careful what I write. Hibernating as much as I can, trying to remain calm and focus on the today, the now, taking care of the kidlets entrusted in our care and for the most part being quiet.


Just rambling…

My Bestie posted this on Facebook

Image may contain: text that says 'OUTRAGED by George Floyd's Death. Supports GOOD Cops. Me Does not CONDONE looting and rioting.'

And I agree with it…this is me…not only about these three topics but so much more…

And then my friend Stacey shared this by Creig Crippen:

Dearest Ones,

Everything is going to be okay. Remember that when things get tough or a storm comes, we will survive, we will persevere, we will heal, and we will grow. Storms come to test us, to teach us, to guide us, to carry us forward, to nudge us back to our true path, to expand our consciousness. And if you feel like crying, go ahead and cry. And if you feel angry or sad or frustrated or afraid—feel it all, experience it all. Don’t run, don’t pretend, don’t hide—feel, cleanse, experience, be. We are beautiful and brave and strong warriors, learning and growing through every experience. Trust the journey. We are exactly where we are supposed to be. Shine brightly, beautiful souls. Never lose faith, never give up. We are safe, we are strong, we are not alone, and we are loved. Together we rise–through love, with love, as love. We lift each other up. Emotions are the waves, love is the ocean. I promise you, we’ll be okay.

With love,
This Moment

And then I feel encouraged. I’ve been feeling restless the last few days. I’ve had major tummy issues, a headache that is just there and I’m tired…so friggin’ tired. I have spent the majority of the past two days sitting in my recliner crocheting or napping and being THANKFUL for a husband who picks up the slack when I just don’t have it in me. And I feel FRUSTRATED with myself that I feel lousy.

One minute I can be happy and content and the next I am down on myself because I ate 5 Oreo cookies…that is after drinking two 40 oz glasses of water…trying to get healthy and yet continuing to make stupid choices. What I eat and drink doesn’t hurt anyone but me but I am precious, I am a child of the King, I am loved and blessed beyond measure yet I continue to treat myself in such unhealthy ways. Doesn’t make sense to me.

I know that this Covid 19 has turned our lives upside down but it has also been a blessing for us…we are safe, we have a nice home to live in, we have plenty of groceries, we get paid well, the children we are taking care of are healthy and strong…not one of the nine adults or fourteen children here at the ranch have gotten sick and I have much to be thankful for and yet here I am feeling restless and anxious.

I feel like I am rambling and not saying anything.