I have a question for y’all ~ am I the only one that be in an okay mood and then one person says one snotty remark and you are ready to either backhand them or go hibernate? I ask because the last few days I feel like one minute I am calm and relaxed and the next I’m ready to yell and scream and lay on the floor and have a full blown temper tantrum or walk in the door and do a great hard slam!

I don’t understand how things can flip so quick!!! And it is frustrating. When that happens I usually miss out on an activity or project and then I get mad at myself….

I was thinking about the above as I was sitting in church on Sunday…and I found myself praying “Lord help me to stay focused on the here and now, help me to be reminded of what I need to learn from You.”

One thought that ran through my mind was “BE INTENTIONAL!” “Stop being a slug!” “Be deliberate.” And then Pastor CJ, Sr shared the definition of Insanity ~ doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results! OUCH!!! I’m trying not to be a complainer or judger but I find myself doing both, especially towards myself and then getting angry with myself for doing just that!! Go figure!!

And while looking for a picture of the above I found this ~

OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! and the pity party starts…I’m tired of working so hard, I’m tired of struggling so much and as Pastor CJ Sr asked “does it feel like life is crushing you?” or are you saying “am I grinding through life?” Am I trying to make “grinding” be a positive thing? moving through, just keep trudging? BUT WAIT ~ look at the definition of grinding ~ it’s the tearing apart; pulverizing.”

Pastor then shared his three words for the day:

Intimacy ~ In To Me See
Crushing ~ Surviving (the crushing pains of childbirth leads to a beautiful thing!)
Victory ~ Sharing the Love of Jesus

Intimacy means familiarity or friendship, closeness or “In To Me See” and I realized that is part of my struggle…I only want God to be In To Me See on my terms, only see the things I want to share and then I thought of the song The Secret Place (first heard sung by Roy Morris) and how I want to go and hide and hibernate and really that’s not how I want to be…I want to be transparent and authentic in everything I say and do, not only with myself BUT with God (He knows everything anyway!) and with everyone I come into contact with.

As I think about being intimate with Jesus I think about these little candies:

Hard on the outside and soft and chewy on the inside…I try so hard, so much of the time to have my hard exterior showing when in reality God wants my soft, chewy inside showing…the loving and caring person and so today I cry out…Lord help me to be transparent in all situations, in all my interactions, about my tests leading to testimony*, reminding myself that if God brings me to something, He will help me get through that something. I pray, Lord help me to not live by my feelings, as that’s all me and not Christ, but to allow God to love me which allows me to love others. God doesn’t want me to just survive, He wants me to live!!!

As I continue to reflect on the message from yesterday about God’s forgiveness, it is bigger than anything in the world, He loves me and forgives me daily for my sins BUT I get in the way because so often I can’t forgive myself and then I find asking myself, if I can’t forgive myself for ____ (fill in the blank) how can I forgive others for _____? I have often said, I have forgiven my step-dad for the abuse he inflicted on me but I will never forget what he did and I know I have because it doesn’t eat at me anymore. BUT forgiving myself can be another story and so I am reminded that when the devil says “what about ????” I can shout from the rooftops “God has forgiven me for _____ and since I don’t do ____ anymore I know I am a changed person…and

and it’s okay to fall down as long as I get back up!!! and I don’t give up!!! God will never give up on me so why should I even think of giving up???

God doesn’t want me to just survive, He wants me thrive!

For today I come to the Lord, asking Him to help me carry my cross of depression and anxiety, help me to focus on living Joyfully in all I do. And to help me focus on the positive: I am loved by the King, I am loved by my wonderful hubby and loved by our boys and our grands and the many friends and extended family that God has blessed me with!

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What are you focusing on today?

*tests lead to testimony ~ shared by Pastor CJ Sr here