I have started three different blog posts in the last week…just can’t seem to find the ump to finish them…which is sort of how my life is right now…I am so good at starting things but staying focused, not so well lately.

I will start by sharing what I wrote in a small support group that I belong to. We are five women, who love the Lord, live in 5 different states and have one friend in common…make that two! Jesus and Gina. I have been friends with Gina since moving to Branson in 2012. And through her I got to know and love on her daughter, Destiny…Destiny is in her first year of college, loves the Lord, got straight A’s her first semester and knows how to have fun…thankful for the two of them in my life. The other two ladies are pastors’ wives…Lori and Alice F. I don’t know either of them very well but it just feels good to be in a group with other Christian ladies who live authentic lives and just love on those the Lord brings into their lives…

Each day in our little group we read the Proverb for the day…today being the 18th day of the month we read Proverbs 18. We ask the Lord to show us what he wants us to learn, sharing what has spoken to us, we share a song or a line of a song, ask God a question and if we hear a response we share that too…

Proverbs 18…I woke up to the song “I’m Waiting for You” by Michael W. Smith And the words going through my mind..what are you waiting for? what are you waiting for? and I thought…no one can do it for me…I just need to do it…I laid in bed with those thoughts running through my mind and finally got up.

Opened my Bible and the devotion going along with Proverbs 18 was titled “Isolation Isn’t the Answer” taken from vs 1 “One who isolates himself pursues selfish desires, he rebels against all sound wisdom.” And so many pieces of the devotion were as if Jesus was talking right to me…stop isolating, get out of your head, the more you isolate the deeper I go…vs 10 “The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are protected.”vs 24 “One with many friends (acquaintances)may be harmed but there is a friend (Abba my Poppa) who stays closer than a brother

My prayer: Lord you know I am struggling and maybe I just need to stop struggling and just be…just be in the moment but Lord I’m so scared…our finances are in the tank and I am just scared! I say I trust you Lord, help me to truly TRUST you and turn those worries and fears over to you. Help me to be in the moment of today and not worry about tomorrow or next week…hearing Ron only works one day next week and one day the following week scares me…how can we pay our bills…help me to say out loud…Lord you will provide, you always will…help me in my unbelief and fears to keep trusting you. Amen.

God’s answer: from the song: ALI you are not alone You will be free indeed The journey begins and ends With me One million miles It starts with a step or two What are you waiting for? I’m waiting for you. Jesus. I’m waiting for you!!!

~~~ I felt encouraged. I got up and did a load of wash, ate some yogurt with some granola and then BLA!!! I felt slammed so I have just vegged on the couch for the past four hours…reading Facebook, writing an email, ate some lunch of goat cheese, crackers and 3

York Peppermint Patties in honor of my mom’s birthday today.

I’m sure that’s why I am a little blah today..hard to believe she has been gone over 16 years!!! We didn’t have the best of relationships but she was my mom and I loved her and I miss her. As well our anniversary is in two days so my mind goes back to our wedding day…it was raining, my step-dad was running late as usual, making us late to the church. Mother-in-law was pacing on the steps wondering if we were going to show up. Someone had messed with the music (cassette tape) so the wrong song started playing and I cried through the whole darn service !!! As we stepped out of the church a rainbow came out (it had rained while we were in the church ~ that’s a sign from God…all will be well!

We went back to my mom and step-dad’s home…those who were drinking were in the kitchen, those who were not were in the living room and Ron & I just sort of hung between the two. At one point, my step-dad got his smart mouth going and said “well now that you are married you don’t need the key to our house.” So what did I do? Yep, I went into my bedroom, got my house key out of my purse and handed it to him!! The look on people’s face said it all…how could I do such a thing BUT what about him…how could he say something like that to me?

So much has happened in our lives over the past 46 years!! Yes we will celebrate 46 years of marriage on Monday, 12/20!!!

******************

Below is one of the blog posts I started over a week ago. I had opened a devotion online…can’t remember which one but it was titled

“Willingly give and receive help from others.” OUCH! OUCH! Ouch!

It goes both ways. You have to be willing to give help when you see a need or to receive it when God brings the answers you need through the hands of friends. People don’t know what you have need of unless you tell them. You have to be vulnerable to share your need and give them the opportunity to help.

Today’s One Thing If you know people in your community facing a challenge in some area of their life, offer your help and friendship this week. If you need a helping hand, be willing to reach out and ask for help.

Ouch!…it still stings to read that ~ why because I hate to ask for help. I love to help others and will in any way I possibly can. BUT asking for help…um not usually. Why? Because a few years back I was hurt by someone when I asked for help…I was told in no uncertain terms “you are an adult, you need to stop relying on others and do for yourself.” I have carried that in my heart for over 20 years…I know I’m an adult and I (we) try very hard not to rely on or ask others for help.

I can tell you the reason I feel like I need help…I’m scared, I’m feeling desperate, I’m scared on the unknown and I can’t see a way out of the situation we find ourselves in except through time BUT time is not my friend when bill collectors start calling, when gas is needed in the truck, when I look to see what we have in the trailer to fix a meal and the food I see is not the healthiest of things: lots of dry pasta, lots of crackers, lots of canned pasta, lots of not so healthy foods when you are trying to focus on clean eating, low carb type stuff.

I have much to be thankful for and that also hinders me from asking for help…I am so thankful that Ron is still with me, with us, with our family. I am thankful for all the prayers that were sent up when we didn’t know what was going on and when we found out he had a heart attack. I am thankful for his Medicare and his Amazon health benefits that started on his first day of work. I am thankful he only missed three weeks of work and that upon his return he is feeling good both physically and emotionally. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel…then yesterday he came home and said next week he will only work one day and the same for the next week (you know Christmas and New Year’s holidays). And that is a big hit for us financially. I’m trying not worry, I keep going to our banks websites and Quicken to see where we stand with auto withdrawals…so far so good but other things are looming: gas for the truck to get to work and to doctor’s appointments, buying medication, again thankful for the insurance to lower the cost of my diabetes medication and others as well but it is still a big chunk each. month, getting fresh fruit/veggies to go with all our canned stuff to make semi healthy meals and then my anxiety starts to climb and my mind races and I start to doubt and wonder where my trust and faith disappear to????

I listen to worship music, spend time in the Word, try to do things to keep me busy, that is when I can stay focused…today I have tried to watch TV but that’s not happening because the wifi here in the campground is acting up…probably because the campground is getting pretty full.

And now I am sitting here, wondering do I push the post button…and then I think about a young boy who told his dad many years ago that the one thing he liked about Aunti Ali is that she is authentic and if you know me, I don’t like to disappoint anyone!! So continuing to be authentic I will publish this post and then check to see if the dang internet is working enough for me to bury my mind in a good murder drama on Dateline!!!