Me, Raw Me

Where have I gone? Who am I? Right now I’m not sure who I am or where I have gone. I saw a Me this past week I haven’t seen in years…like over four years and before that not for six years…and I don’t like that Me!!!

Somehow I have lost me in the shuffle of life and turned back into the react, don’t think, just react me…and i don’t like her. I want the happy, enjoying life, Jesus loving, hubby loving, life loving Me back…not the one who can’t stand noise, can’t stand not being the control freak…where did she go? I don’t know but what I do know is that I need to get her back, I need to find the happy and contented me and bring her home.

Someone asked me the other day…what is going on with you…not the kids, not Ron, not work, not the grands, but with you…meaning me. And the tears started to roll…I’m scared, I feel disconnected, I can honestly say I have no friends near me…don’t get me wrong…I have my Bestie…she’s in WA, I have my other Bestie, she’s in Georgia, I have my cuz, she too is in Georgia. I have my confidants…one is in Texas and two others in Washington and I have over 380 “friends in Facebook land.” A few of them are mentioned above yet I have no friends where I am…I realized a couple of weeks ago that I need to have people around me, someone to sit at the park and just talk, someone to go get a coffee and sit and visit, someone to hug at church…heck church…we don’t even have one of those right now.

What am I afraid of…well let’s start with the physical stuff…my foot is hurting and I don’t mean just a little bit…it hurts, it looks like it has gotten some type of burn…the top looks like sunburn that is peeling…my doctor and PT appointments got pushed back three weeks because of this dang covid! Two of our boys at AKP tested positive, our house was under quarantine for over three weeks due to when they each came down with it…we were on duty two of those three weeks…14 days with 12 boys that couldn’t go outside to play, that are tired of being cooped up in the house, two of them being in isolation for most of that time…meaning no game room for the other boys to utilize…it’s called crazy making, all that to say I couldn’t go to the doctor or PT because they don’t want you around till 14 days after the diagnosis…ugh…I have tried to do my exercises on my foot but it just plain hurts. My last appointment was so frustrating…recommendation to go to an ortho doc, get a more indepth look at my foot…professionals thinking it might have really been broken (the bump and angle of the top of my foot has not gone down at all!!!) and if that is the case what would be the plan…YEP, go in and surgically have to break it, to set it to heal correctly which could mean 6 to 8 weeks off my foot…and all I can think of is if I’m off my foot for 6 to 8 weeks how the heck do I hobble to the dang bathroom??? Let’s get real, this Grammy of 63 years pee’s a lot!!! How the heck do I go to the bathroom if I can’t walk on the dang foot???

I need to find a new family doc! Yes this is because we chose to move but dang, how I hate trying to find a doctor…one that will listen to me, challenge me but not beat me up for being fat!! Yes I know I’m fat and I’ve gained 5 lbs since the end of July because I can’t walk for any length of time on the said foot because it hurts too dang much!!!! I am back up to the heaviest I have ever been…264 lbs!!!!

And then after crying and dumping on the person who asked me how I was doing…she said “it sounds like you are trying to control things you have absolutely no control over.” I can’t control what boys get covid or get sick in Sammy House, I can’t control what’s happening with my foot…I just need to deal with it as it comes along, I can’t control whether the boys eat what I cook, I can’t control what comes out of their mouths…lately some not so very nice things…to me (and yes I try not to take things personal but dang, sometimes it just hurts what they say)…and then she said “focus on what you can control…you can control you and only you.”

What can I control?

  • I can control what comes out of mouth! I need to think more before I speak, and remember I am the one who controls what comes out of my mouth.
  • I can control what foods I put into my mouth…well to some degree…when we are off work I could only buy healthy foods. But I don’t…today it was fruit jelly candies that I bought and a whoopie pie from the Amish store…and it didn’t even taste as good as I thought it would 😦 When we are at work we are pretty much limited to what is provided for us to feed the kids…but then again, I could buy some healthy stuff to take with us…like a bag or two of salads, drink more water…I say more because lately I have been drinking a lot of Coke Zero and Sprite Zero.
  • I can control some of my time better…instead of spending time on Facebook, I could pick up my Bible and read the devotions listed in the back. I could find my earbuds and listen to some worship music to drown out the noise of the boys…their constant picking on each other, the name calling…I can “watch” them with my eyes. I am asked to keep them safe that doesn’t mean I have to involve myself in all their petty conversations.
  • When possible I could take the boys out to the playground and supervise them but dang it’s hot out there…but if I took my water bottle full of ice/water it would get the boys outside and I would be drinking more water!!!
  • My foot…I could keep doing the exercises that the PT recommended even if I think it’s not doing any good, maybe it really is doing some good.
  • On our off week…I can quit making excuses and get my behind out of bed and go to church…there are at least 12 churches within a 10 mile radius of our campground, heck there is one that is just 1 1/2 miles from the campground.
  • I can utilize the swimming pool at our new campground!!! Yes we have had lots of thunderstorms lately but we have also had pockets of sunshine. When I go swimming, even if it is just bouncing around in the water, my foot doesn’t hurt as bad, I don’t eat junk food and I get exercise outside in the sun…good ole real Vitamin D!
  • And when it is raining, I could stay off Facebook and do some crocheting! I am currently working on a sweater and I have two blankets that are started and I have one to put together (not sure if it’s going to be a tablecloth or a blanket…that is to be determined after it is finished.). And I have lots of “projects in the want to do list”
  • I can also do some writing…lots of projects there too…my blog, writing about our little road trips, work on my journals, write in response to the many journal prompts that I have tucked away.
  • I can rest, take a nap without feeling guilty for resting for an hour or two while the boys are at school, especially when we are busy with the boys (yes we are back to having an all boy house ~ not my favorite but I do believe the Lord has brought each of those boys to us for a reason!) early in the mornings and afternoons and evenings!
  • I can find a family doctor for Ron and I. Not only something I should do but is important to do!!! Doing things to take care of me!
  • And one of the biggest yet easiest things I can do is take care of myself…the little things like plucking my chin hairs, putting on a little bit of makeup, wearing lipstick ~ the little things that make me feel good about myself.

Now that I KNOW what I can control it is time to put some things into action:

  • I set my alarm for 8:00a for Sunday morning to get my behind out of bed…the church that has caught our eye has a worship service that starts at 9:00am!!! And it’s less than 2 miles from our trailer!!!
  • I just checked the weather app and no rain is forecast for most of the day tomorrow (really today since it is currently 2:30a) and it’s supposed to feel like 95′ at 11:00a…so I set my alarm for 10:45a to get up and get this behind to the pool at 11:00!!! Feel free to ask me in the afternoon if I made it to the pool? Please ask me!!! And I checked, it’s suppose to rain Friday afternoon but Saturday morning it’s supposed to be 95′ at 11:00a so I set my alarm to go swimming that day too!!!
  • Since rain is forecast for Friday afternoon/evening…I will make dinner for us, not just snacky stuff…chicken and rice (leftovers that need to be eaten) and a green salad (I already bought the fixin’s for that so need to use them not waste them!)
  • And maybe a couple of hours of crocheting while listening to the rain and thunder and watching the lightning that is forecast.

And the scripture that comes to mind is I Corinthians 5:17 (taken from The Message)

Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life emerges! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. 

I am new in Christ, today is a new day. The grace that I give to others I need to give to myself. Thank you Lord for this time in the early morning hours to reflect on where I am and where I need to be.

And the prayer on my lips:

Dear Lord, thank you for waking me up early, for giving me words to put to paper, for Your reminders that your grace is given to me, that you give me new chances every day and Lord thank you for the awareness to my heart and soul. Now as Tom would say…take that awareness and add the contact to make the changes I need to make for me. Lord I also pray that someone in my life will become my accountability partner…to challenge me daily to do the things I need to do for me which in turn will allow me to be the wife, mom, grammy and foster~mom, friend to myself and to others that YOU so desire for me. Amen.

One response to “Me, Raw Me”

  1. You need to have a to do list each day. Write it out the night before. It doesn’t have to be big things, little steps are fine. Then it feels great crossing them off.

    I admire that you and Ron are led to be house parents. I could not do that.
    Btw: does it some times feel like being in a carnival???,

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