Began 8/5…Thinking…

I feel … I don’t know how I feel…I wrote this on August 3:
Do you ever just want to say “Hush Up” to everything and every one!! I sure do today. And nothing has happened, just tired of all the crap going on in my world and our world….what happened to just being kind, treating people the way you wanted to be treated, being forthcoming instead of beating around the bush, being honest. We spent the last six days just resting and relaxing…not a single headache…I have been at work for three hours and 10 minutes and my head is killing me!!! Kids are not the issue, co-workers are not the issue, just a feeling of restlessness and feeling the urge to do something but what the heck to do…who knows???

And shared this last night:
I’m just so friggin tired of everything. Taking a break from Facebook.

I’m not sleeping well…lots on my mind:
Changes…sometimes are exciting, sometimes scary

Dreams…with people I haven’t seen or talked to in years: previous co-workers who I thought were friends and yet turned against me. I woke up this morning asking “how come people turn on me?”

I’m doing some heavy thinking…this is part of what I shared with my boss yesterday~

Last night when we retired to our apartment Ron and I were talking.  Needless to say my anxiety flared…so many questions, who has the answers and being Ron when he laid down he was out like a light switch.  Me on the other hand could not shut down my brain.  I played some games on my phone, played some worship music and then decided to pray…that usually helps me to fall asleep…but it didn’t.  I even thought I heard someone knock on our apartment door 😮 so I got up, nope no one there.  Went back to bed and prayed some more and finally fell asleep about 3:30 this morning.  Thankfully Ron let me sleep until I woke up on my own at 8:09a.

But when I woke up I felt this calmness and started giving thanks to God for the rest I did get, the calmness in my spirit and as I was doing my morning routine I felt God talking to me…Do you trust Me?  YES!  Have I ever failed you?  NO!  Then trust ME…everything will be okay, you don’t need a ton of information you (me) just need to do what I have put you here to do…love on these kids for the time I have given them to you.  Okay Lord BUT WHAT IF…and I felt God put his hand out to stop me…just trust ME…and everything will be okay.  Do what you need to do and I will provide for you.

I found myself sitting on my bed just remembering many times when I have felt anxious/uncertainty and seeing/reflecting on how God has always provided.  I shared with Ron my time with the Lord this morning and we both feel like we are to just do what we need to be doing and to continue to trust the Lord.  Yes we still have questions and wonder what is all going on but neither of us are feeling anxious this morning…we are in the place where the Lord wants us and look (with wondering eyes) at what and how the Lord is working.  

All this to say…just keep trusting the Lord, we may not know what He has in store for us but we do know that He has never failed us!  So keep marching towards Zion!!

Today ~ I tossed and turned from 4:30a on…finally got out of bed about 7:15. After doing what I needed to do to be ready for the day I opened my devotional “90 Days of Faith, Hope and Courage” and this is what was written:

So much has happened in our lives in the last 30 days, kidlets moved…yes we are doing foster care, yes we know we only have the kidlets for a time, yes we bond with them ~ how could we not, yes we love them and yes sometimes they drive us crazy YET it is hard to say good~bye. I remember my Dad saying “don’t say good~bye, say see~you~later.” But this time we know its good~bye till we meet again in heaven and it’s just plain hard.

Yes we got two new kids: a 6th grader and 12th grader. Older kids are different then little’s. They don’t need so much hands on but at times they are no different then the little’s when they have a hard day. A hard day whether from their own doing or circumstances of life.

We worked 20 days straight due to what was happening with the kidlets and the big kids and then we had six days off…went to our favorite place to camp locally ~ Colorado River Thousand Trails…just about 90 minutes from Yoakum. We spent time swimming, went for a drive, chatted with neighbors and binged watched “Person of Interest.” Oh and we slept. But there still seemed to be angst and anxiety.

Yesterday morning, while chatting with Ron we think we finally figured out what was going on with us…we lost three little’s whom we loved a lot. Normally there would be time to grieve and adjust to the loss but that didn’t happen as we got two new kids the Wednesday before the little’s left. Therefore we didn’t get the chance to grieve for the kids we said good~bye to as we had to immediately help the two new ones adjust to our home. SO TRUE!!!!

On top of the little’s moving on how it was handled was difficult. Yes we are fluid and flexible and change is the only thing that is constant and we expect change but when you are dealing with kids who have had more change and trauma in their life one of the things they needs is a good transition. We were informed the children were due to leave on Sunday afternoon but after watching another child who had the same case worker, transition be moved from one day to another to another to another I kept saying that the little’s would be moved earlier and without warning. And that is what happened. And that is what is hard. We had planned a couple of last activities with the little’s ~ they were excited, we were excited and just like a wave in the wind…without thought of what the little’s were dealing with we had less than four hours notice of when the little’s were moving on.

Yes, we are fluid and flexible but knowing transitions are hard for a lot of people and especially children who have had lots of trauma in their lives…transitions are even harder. So plans were dismissed, a few quick prayers, lots of tears and the kidlets were gone. Just poof!!!

8/18…started this post 13 days ago…and got waylaid….this morning is a new day…so I will just leave this right here. Just to have as a reminder of where I was 13 days ago.

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