It has been a rough week for me…and as I reflect back on the week I keep asking myself why was this week so hard…IF I look at all the good things and there are many I wonder even more why has this week been so tough?
How has the week been tough…
- I am exhausted…I can take two 2 hour naps a day and still sleep 8+ hours at night and still am exhausted.
- I am struggling with not following through on things in a timely manner…so not me.
- We are dealing with an issue with our kidlets that just doesn’t make sense to me.
- I have one thought that keeps running over and over through my mind. I wake from a sound sleep thinking about this one thing. I prayed about it, rebuked Satan from my mind and yet the thought just keeps coming to my mind.
My life is filled with many blessings…
- I am well loved by my husband.
- I am surrounded by great friends who are my family.
- I am for the most part, pretty healthy…my A1C dropped from 10.3 to 7.1 ~ and that is great news!!!
- We are financially more stable than we have ever been in all of our married life.
- We have great health insurance. My medications used to cost me $1500+ a month and now it is $74.99 a month!!! And I don’t have to skip meds any more.
- We are starting to build friendships with people at the church we have attended for the last 10 months.
- The pastor preaches great sermons each week and are so relevant to our lives in the here and now.
- Our boys, Jamie & Brandon are well adjusted young men, are both married to wonderful women and have blessed us with the best grandchildren a Grammy could ever ask for.
- We have many friends around the United States who are more family than friends.
- And probably the most important thing is that we are loved and guided by Jesus each and every day of our lives.
And yet I am struggling. Struggling to feel peace in my heart. Struggling to feel like we are doing what the Lord would want us to be doing. Struggling to get my diabetes under control. Struggling to not rock the boat. Struggling to be a good example to and for our kidlets.
Struggling is hard and the want to just hide is strong yet it’s hard to hide when we have kids to take care of, errands to run, appointments to keep and life to live…so I struggle on the inside and then I see it ripple to the outside in my frustration over stupid things, over things I can’t control.
And then I think of something I have shared so many times…I need to learn to give the grace that I extend to others to myself.
So tonight I want to end the day focusing on a positive…the positive interaction with our girl, who struggles to be herself without coming across rude to others who told me tonight as I was tucking her into bed…Mama I love you, thank you for loving me even when I don’t do things right…OH Girl…if you only knew I am trying to be the Mama to you that I so wanted as a little girl. And then I silently say “thank you Jesus for giving me this opportunity to love these kidlets in the manner I always wanted to be loved.”