Why do I/We keep asking?
The following questions were posted by my sweet 2nd cousin by marriage, Rachel.
What words are there left to use when the one person who should get you the most doesn’t? What is left to say when you’ve tried all your life to be understood and still haven’t been? How do you keep putting your heart out, just to have it broken over and over? What can you do to be seen for who you are, nothing more, nothing less?
I asked her if I could share them and use them to jump into a blog post and she graciously said yes.
This was my reply,
This is probably the hardest question we ask ourselves. I have asked this question so many times and eventually have to remember that Christ loves me for me, just the way I am and there is nothing I can say or do to change anyone’s mind. I wish I could give you a big hug and make those people who you crave so much in your life understand who and what they are missing. I love you Rachel!!! And most importantly God loves you, Andy loves you and you are surrounded by so many friends who love and care about you!!! Sending big hugs!!!!
But the mind is now racing and I find myself wanting to write more…
I can’t remember how many times I sat in my therapist’s office, her home or our pastor’s office and asked “Why doesn’t she love me? What did I ever do to make her hate me so much? How many times to I have to beg her to just love me, heck just like me?”
First I find myself asking in regards to my mom? Then my dad? Then my sister? And then I shed tears beyond measure wondering why I am so unloveable? All I’ve ever wanted is for my mom to say she loved me. For my dad to say he loved me, for my sister not to hate me but also those questions still go unanswered and as far as I know in this lifetime will never be answered.
My mom is no longer here, she has been gone for almost 13 years, my dad it’s been almost 17 and my sister has refused to speak to me since September 2008 ~ yes almost 10 years!!!
I could drive myself crazy by asking these questions over and over.
In fact, I almost did!!!
I almost let the pain of the little girl growing up, being called “idiot child,” “one of my three mistakes,” and “problem child” win!!!
But with the love of my husband,
the love of my Abba Father, the love and care of
friends and some family members, therapists and counselors who did not give up on me,
the love of my son’s, their sweet wives and the smiles of my grandchildren
I came to realize that there wasn’t anything
I could do to make my mom love me, my dad smile in his eyes when he saw me,
or even get my sister to like me much less talk to me.
what I could do is be the woman
God created me to be!!!
A woman who loves her husband,
even when he does stupid things
and yet loves me unconditionally, day in and day out,
when I have tried his patience to the end.
A mom and grammy who would do anything in her power
to make her children and grandchildren smile and laugh
and know that no matter what they did or didn’t do know
without a shadow of a doubt that they are loved!!!
And mean the world to me!!!
I am the woman God created.
I am far from perfect
but I am genuine and I care with my whole being.
I love to make others smile,
I hate when people are hurting,
I cry at the drop of a hat,
laugh when I should cry,
swear when I shouldn’t,
try to be an encourager
and yet still make mistakes and say stupid things
I don’t try anymore to get people
to like me ~ either they do or they don’t.
I make choices now based on what I feel is right,
what’s right for me and my husband.
I say I’m sorry when I’m wrong
and probably even when I’m not.
I wish I could say I haven’t asked myself
the why? how come? what can I do?
in many years
but every once in awhile
I still ask, I wonder
and I even picture having that one more conversation with my sister
(she’s the only one left)
and then I have to remember to
and look at what I am:
I am blessed beyond measure!!!
I am loved by those who mean the most to me!!!
So my sweet Rachel,
remember you are loved by many,
the many who bring you blessings,
who are about you
and know what a wonderful
woman, wife and mom
And the one think I remind myself of often,
their behavior and actions
are their loss.
And we are