Tonight Ron took a couple of the boys roller skating. So after baths and getting three boys to bed or should I say into their rooms, I decided to do some more writing from my old journals to the computer. I am currently working on writings from late 2016. A little background…we became House Parents in Waco, at the Methodist Boys Ranch 8/1/2016. We started our new position as Home Parents here at A Kid’s Place the middle of June this year.
As I have been typing up what I wrote four years ago I am surprised at the similar things that I am still concerned and dealing with…
- My weight…and now I am even 20 lbs heavier than I was in 2016 ~ UGH!!! I don’t think I am winning this battle!!!
- My blood sugars…I can’t remember the last time I had one full week of good and decent numbers ~ UGH
- Spending time with the Lord/His Word or should I say lack there of!!!
From my journal ~~~~. 11.10.2016
Got 5 hours of sleep. Dear Jesus, I so need you today Lord. I truly believe you opened the door for us to come here, to serve and care for these boys and Lord I don’t want to be known as a quitter yet Lord I feel so discouraged, so inadequate and find my fuse so close to blowing. Lord, I so need you today, please give me a calm and peaceful spirit. Lord help me to let yesterday go, give grace to these boys and specially to love on Ron.
Lord the devotional from this morning ~ I have a purpose, You have called me/us here to do your work. Lord forgive me for my frustrations. Help me as I step out the door this morning, to do what you have called me to be, a mom, loving on these boys the way you love on me. Amen.
I don’t think anything has really changed…I think about something I read earlier today on Facebook and my response…(shared with permission):
Something I wrote, read it or don’t Where do I begin? There’s too much going on within…I think I have one thing dealt with and then here it comes again Why can’t I shake this, why does it seem to never end? Why don’t they ever put me first, why do I care so much, think so much, want so much. I should just be content with what I have but there’s always a little voice within telling me I’m not enough Why can’t I believe I deserve good things? Why do I accept less for myself than I give to others, to all my friends I’m trying so hard to keep it together to believe things are getting better. Focus on the good, block out the bad, and trust Gods plan, but I’m wearing thin, I’m getting tired Why do they ignore me, seem to forget about me, about us? I long for that connection, the support that has never been, but that’s just it, how can I long for something that’s never even been…Loneliness and putting on a smile, telling myself I’m going to be alright is what I’ve always done, but sometimes I just want to scream NO, I’m not alright!This world is so hard to stay positive in, to not let the pain win. I try to spread love not hate, but can’t seem to love myself or believe I deserve it…Why can I do these things for others yet struggle so much to believe I’m worth it, the time, the energy, the attention, it’s so foreign to me. I’ve gotten so good at being quiet and staying out of the spotlight, fading into the conversations around me crying inside, just waiting to be seen I’d do anything for anyone especially those I love, but I guess that’s the problem…I’m not someone I love. Why would I love me when I’ve never been enough for them? Even when I’ve pleaded, begged, cried, ran away, I was never enough. I was always the one who was wrong, the one who hurt them, so I just continued to be the girl they taught me to be…quiet and good, so no one notices me…Rachel Weatherby Bode7-23-21
My response: Oh my sweet Rachel Weatherby Bode. First off sending lots of hugs your way!!! My heart resonates with what you wrote. Many thoughts you shared here today are ones I have shared internally and outwardly so many times. I know for me, I have to constantly tell myself…”Ali give yourself the grace you so easily extend to others.” And even though I am better about loving and caring for myself there are still days I fall through the cracks. I wish I had a magic wand to send over you but alas that just doesn’t happen…but know you are enough, God loves you just the way you are and you are loved by many (even those who don’t show it to you on a daily basis). Life is just plain hard at times. Just remember this too shall pass…I know it sounds a bit cliche but for me sometimes I just need to say it over and over. I share this verse with you ~ it came to me this morning when I was reading Matthew 11:28-12:8. I wrote in my Bible this morning: remember sometimes you just have to be…be still, be calm, be enough, just be! Love you sweet girl!!!
Today has been trying here at AKP…how many times during the day must I tell our 7 yr old to please stop running in the house? How many times do I have to tell the 12 year to speak nicely, don’t use that word (in this case poop poop head)? How many times to do I have to say to the 9 yr old, stop arguing over every request or comment? And I want to yell “the next time someone says YUCK at what I fix for lunch or dinner they can fix dinner and see how it feels to have everything you cook for them be YUCKY!!!
In my mind all I want to do is sit down and crochet but there isn’t a decent chair or lighting to even do that for 5 minutes!!! And then I thought about Rachel and my heart echoed hers…why does it not feel what I am doing is enough? why doesn’t it seem we get a break from constant chaos?
I know we are where the Lord would want us to be…to loving on kids who don’t have someone to love on them. …to be near our son and his family, to be Grammy and Grandpa in person, and encouraging those we come into contact with. And I am reminded that each day is a choice, each item of food I put into my mouth is my choice, each moment I spend zoning out on Facebook or picking up my Bible or rewriting my journals…those are all choices I make every day and no one is responsible for any of them but me.
So I committed this week to pray and find a support system for me…to focus on three things: my spiritual walk, my health (diabetes, eating healthy and moving this body!) and my writing. And I found this group: Faith & Fitness for Christ Followers. I was able to listen to about 20 minutes of a welcome post/live this afternoon and I was so encouraged. First, Freddie is easy to listen to and is full of energy. I got through the first three habits: !. Spend time with God! 2. Fellowship with other believers ~ being in a new area, working the crazy schedule that we do, it is sometimes hard to find fellowship with other believers. We don’t go to church the Sunday’s we are working ~ it just doesn’t work out. And the past Sunday’s we have been off we have either been out of town or sleeping in or ??? it just hasn’t happened. And this next Sunday we are off we are going to be out of town with Christopher, having some Grammy and Grandpa time celebrating him!!! But in saying that…somehow I connected with a church on Facebook Salvation City Church. I have messaged back and forth with Pastor Joel a couple of times. One of the things that was an encouragement from him was a message/prayer he left for me in Messenger without me even asking. If there is one thing I miss ~ that is having a personal relationship/friendship with our pastor. Pastor Charles from Northwood, Pastor Isaac from Open Door and Pastor Adam from New Life have all been encouragers to and for me over the years. Habit 3 is drink water!!!! I had been doing really well drinking anywhere from 60 to 80 oz of water every day until we moved here to Florida…now I am luck if I down 48 oz…I need to find that water bottle and get back to drinking water!!! I know I feel better when I drink more water.
And then I began transcribing my journal from November 2016 and realized that though my battle seems to be exactly the same as 5 years ago but in reality and I’m trying to see the truth!!! Yes I may weigh more now than I did then, my BS numbers are all over the board BUT I am more aware and immediately I think of something Tom shared with us many years ago
Awareness + Contact = Change!!! and today I am definitely more aware than I was five years ago!!! And I am making healthier food choices more of the time than not and that is a good thing!!!
And just like I shared with Rachel this morning…I need to give myself the grace that I so easily give to others!!! And so as I prepare to go to bed I am thanking the Lord for today…reminders I am not alone…support groups on Facebook, friends who send me texts of encouragement and little boys who say “Ms Ali, would you pray with me tonight” which says “Ms Ali, thank you for loving me along with all my foibles.”
And so again I say to myself…Ali you can make the changes that need to be made in your life…make healthy food choices, drink water ~ forget that dang soda pop!!! 😉 and give yourself the grace you so freely give to others!!! Just like God gives grace to me every single day of my life!!!!
I want to add a big thank you to Rachel for sharing from your heart and walking my journey with me and allowing me to walk your journey with you!!!! And remember: