Life Goes On…

Life marches on, every day, every hour, every minute. Sometimes I wish I could stop the clock…like this past Sunday while FaceTiming and watching the Seahawks game with our grandson. We laughed and cheered the Seahawks into a win over the Cowboys! It was definitely a fun time and I am thankful for technology that allows this Grammy to spend time with her grands even when they are 1500 miles away!!

And then there are days like today where I find myself looking for things to keep me grounded and centered. Today these two spoke to me…the first one was sent to me about a week ago by my bestie. And just like two weeks ago, it is right on the mark for where I am and where my mind and heart is.

and then this one:

Today has been a hard day yet I know that no matter what obstacles I face that I am never alone. And that God has never failed me!!! And when I do feel alone and I question whether anyone but me cares about XXXX that when I ask for prayer for something that many are there just to say a prayer for me. And for that I am truly thankful.

********
What are you thankful for today?
What do you do to encourage yourself?
Do you have a favorite scripture verse or saying that you like to repeat on those difficult days.
***********

Just Thinking ~

Yesterday someone posted this on Facebook ~

And I thought about the many trips we have taken in our married life and how we have never been involved in a serious accident and how we always pray before we travel. And I thought of the song I Can Only Imagine Here is the link if you want to take a listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DU0MwNpRq6M and my thoughts went to wondering how hard would life be if we KNEW everything that was going to happen or even possibly happen.

Reflecting back to when Jamie was in Iraq ~ that was one of the hardest years I ever had ~ wondering, thinking that he would return with life changing injuries or worse, death. I am sad to say I didn’t handle myself in the best ways when he was over there because I did allow worry and fear to consume me. What I have learned and now truly believe fifteen years later is that it doesn’t pay to worry about something that I don’t have control over and to face life head on. Dealing with what is happening now, not worrying about tomorrow or next week or next year. Do I always remember that ~ nope, not at all and I have to be reminded to not borrow trouble, don’t focus on things that I can’t control.

And once again I was reminded of that in my devotion this morning.

Psalm 121 Photograph by Sandi OReilly

Christ is always with me, he never sleeps, he is never too busy to listen when I cry out to him. He helps me, he guides me, he protects me, he watches over me and protects me. Does this mean I never have troubles or problems or issues ~ NO it means HE will never leave me, I am never alone.

As I shared with our foster daughter, A, yesterday after she had had a hard couple of days…things happen, that is life. It is how we respond and deal with things that matter. In her case, a blown front tire while driving down the road at 75 mph ~ Ron was a passenger in her car and he said she did great. She didn’t freak out, she moved off to the side of the road, she kept breathing. She did great! Yes it sucked since she had just paid $1500 to have her transmission fixed and now $130 for a new tire but she had the money in the bank to cover both expenses, no one was hurt, yes the car had some damage but it can be repaired and she got more hours to work to put more money back in her bank account. Frustrating things to deal with but nothing earth shattering or worth dying over. And then we laughed and said “welcome to adulthood sweet girl!”

So today I give thanks for the things we have ~ a good job, pretty healthy bodies, healthy kids and grands and give thanks that we woke up again this morning and have things to look forward to…seeing our son who we haven’t seen in over a year and then in two days, seeing our grandson as he prepares for a new journey in the military and most of all for the love of family and friends.

***********

What are you thankful for today?
What are you looking forward to?

It’s Been Awhile ~

Life has been tough! Life just seems to be ????? heck I can’t even think of a word to describe it ~ it just has been tough!!!

Someone asked me why I hadn’t written anything in awhile ~ I’ve been thinking about that and my first response is “I’m just tired.” And then I realized I am just tired of everything that seems so heavy, so negative, so stagnant. And then I ask WHY? What has changed in my life…and I reflect back to the middle of March 2020. My anxiety was high, we were preparing to travel for 5 days to go see Ron’s oncologist for his annual cancer check up. Hard to believe it had been two years since his surgery to remove the nasty C.

For the most part we don’t watch the news every day but since we would be traveling we were watching the weather reports and talk of Covid was beginning to run rampant. Yes it was scary, yes it is a nasty bug but life for us continued…we faced what we needed to face and put one foot in front of the other. Tensions were running high here in our home. The little’s were anxious about us being gone for 5 nights, we were anxious of what would the doctor’s find, we were concerned how the little’s would do. It was the beginning of Spring Break and we had had to change our plans from a camping trip to a doctor’s visit. And yet we still put one foot in front of the other.

The doctor’s appointments went well. Cancer is still gone. The only concern voiced was Ron’s weight…but that is nothing new; we have both battled being overweight for all of our adult lives. What a relief. We both commented that night as we laid in bed how relieved we each were, apologized to each other for our shortness with each other and planned a nice one last night out without little’s for our return to the ranch.

And then life threw a punch…quarantined to the ranch. By the time the kids went back to school it was 159 days from school day to school day. Yes, we got out a bit: took the kidlets to the drive thru Safari in San Antonio, only getting out of the truck to go to the restroom, we bought a little blow up pool and the kids had many “swim days” right here at home but for the most part it was Ron or I going to the grocery store or picking up the mail. Even trips to the office were cancelled unless absolutely necessary. Kids did counseling via Zoom, even did a couple of doctor appointments via Zoom ~ do you know how hard it is to keep a 5 year old engaged in a conversation with a face on the screen to be diagnosed and treated by a physician. In my opinion, it was pretty worthless.

Then unexpected changes happened, got new kids to our home due to staff changes. Little’s were moved to a foster adopt home, start to finish was less than four weeks, crazy times for sure, more schedule changes here at the ranch, rumors and anxiety flew at a rapid pace about the future of the ranch, our jobs and then we were scrambling to get the kid’s stuff for school not knowing, were they going in person or would it be remote. Our girl decided she was going to go to school ~ a good move for her as it got her out of the house, she gets to see friends and interact with others.

And then I realized through it all that my depression was lurking around every corner. Visually appearing as exhaustion, lots of exhaustion, absolutely no energy to do anything. Yes I kept cooking for the family, attended the necessary training’s for the job, did what needed to be done but my heart was not in it, I was and am just plain tired.

And yet, through it all I have kept moving forward, slower at times with lots of naps thrown in and yet I haven’t totally given up. Though at times I would like to crawl into my recliner, crochet and watch TV and hide and hibernate from all, and some days I did just that…I give myself kudos for not totally throwing in the towel.

And so today, I find myself asking what do I need to do to get out of this funk…to get energy back, to feel alive and not like a slug. So I did what I know to do. I opened my Bible for a short devotion yesterday and today and always, always God has met me where I am.

Yesterday my devotion was titled “Bountiful Benefits” and this morning was “Relief from Your Distress” ~ yes, Jesus met me right where I am…God accepts me right where I am and loves me unconditionally and I was reminded that God forgives, He heals, He encourages and I am good enough just the way I am AND I have much to be thankful for…family, friends (even though the circle has gotten smaller ~ I think more my choice than anything), a job that doesn’t really feel like a job most of the time, the ability to be with my hubby most all the time and even when he does something that drives me crazy or makes me want to slap the sh** out of him, I am thankful for Ron, for Ron’s love for me and the patience he shows me when I drive him crazy or ask for three kinds of ice cream on a rainy night when he really doesn’t want to go out but he goes to the store anyway. Yes I am blessed beyond measure.

I am encouraged to cry out to the Lord, to give thanks for everything, to keep on trusting Him and to know that

For my good! I may not understand the why’s or how come’s but I do know that I am never alone and that no matter what happens with our jobs, our living situation or ??? that God is in control and that no matter what happens today or tomorrow, in the end everything will work together for good!

7/13 ~ Rambling on…

Logos.com

I have much on my mind and heart today and just don’t know where or how to put it all into words. The verse above is a reminder to me to just do good, one step at a time, moving one foot forward and trusting the Lord through each moment.

Psalms 37:23-24 | Scripture Pictures by Verse | Amazing Facts

Another devotion this morning reminded me that God knows each step I have taken, each step I am taking and each step I will take. Step is another word for decision…we make constant decisions each and every day and my goal is to try to do what the Lord would have me to do…to love one another.

Even when I don’t understand the reason for something I need to cling to and ……

8/18…another post I had started and didn’t finish for who knows why….just putting it out there….

Began 8/5…Thinking…

I feel … I don’t know how I feel…I wrote this on August 3:
Do you ever just want to say “Hush Up” to everything and every one!! I sure do today. And nothing has happened, just tired of all the crap going on in my world and our world….what happened to just being kind, treating people the way you wanted to be treated, being forthcoming instead of beating around the bush, being honest. We spent the last six days just resting and relaxing…not a single headache…I have been at work for three hours and 10 minutes and my head is killing me!!! Kids are not the issue, co-workers are not the issue, just a feeling of restlessness and feeling the urge to do something but what the heck to do…who knows???

And shared this last night:
I’m just so friggin tired of everything. Taking a break from Facebook.

I’m not sleeping well…lots on my mind:
Changes…sometimes are exciting, sometimes scary

Dreams…with people I haven’t seen or talked to in years: previous co-workers who I thought were friends and yet turned against me. I woke up this morning asking “how come people turn on me?”

I’m doing some heavy thinking…this is part of what I shared with my boss yesterday~

Last night when we retired to our apartment Ron and I were talking.  Needless to say my anxiety flared…so many questions, who has the answers and being Ron when he laid down he was out like a light switch.  Me on the other hand could not shut down my brain.  I played some games on my phone, played some worship music and then decided to pray…that usually helps me to fall asleep…but it didn’t.  I even thought I heard someone knock on our apartment door 😮 so I got up, nope no one there.  Went back to bed and prayed some more and finally fell asleep about 3:30 this morning.  Thankfully Ron let me sleep until I woke up on my own at 8:09a.

But when I woke up I felt this calmness and started giving thanks to God for the rest I did get, the calmness in my spirit and as I was doing my morning routine I felt God talking to me…Do you trust Me?  YES!  Have I ever failed you?  NO!  Then trust ME…everything will be okay, you don’t need a ton of information you (me) just need to do what I have put you here to do…love on these kids for the time I have given them to you.  Okay Lord BUT WHAT IF…and I felt God put his hand out to stop me…just trust ME…and everything will be okay.  Do what you need to do and I will provide for you.


I found myself sitting on my bed just remembering many times when I have felt anxious/uncertainty and seeing/reflecting on how God has always provided.  I shared with Ron my time with the Lord this morning and we both feel like we are to just do what we need to be doing and to continue to trust the Lord.  Yes we still have questions and wonder what is all going on but neither of us are feeling anxious this morning…we are in the place where the Lord wants us and look (with wondering eyes) at what and how the Lord is working.  

All this to say…just keep trusting the Lord, we may not know what He has in store for us but we do know that He has never failed us!  So keep marching towards Zion!!

Today ~ I tossed and turned from 4:30a on…finally got out of bed about 7:15. After doing what I needed to do to be ready for the day I opened my devotional “90 Days of Faith, Hope and Courage” and this is what was written:


So much has happened in our lives in the last 30 days, kidlets moved…yes we are doing foster care, yes we know we only have the kidlets for a time, yes we bond with them ~ how could we not, yes we love them and yes sometimes they drive us crazy YET it is hard to say good~bye. I remember my Dad saying “don’t say good~bye, say see~you~later.” But this time we know its good~bye till we meet again in heaven and it’s just plain hard.

Yes we got two new kids: a 6th grader and 12th grader. Older kids are different then little’s. They don’t need so much hands on but at times they are no different then the little’s when they have a hard day. A hard day whether from their own doing or circumstances of life.

We worked 20 days straight due to what was happening with the kidlets and the big kids and then we had six days off…went to our favorite place to camp locally ~ Colorado River Thousand Trails…just about 90 minutes from Yoakum. We spent time swimming, went for a drive, chatted with neighbors and binged watched “Person of Interest.” Oh and we slept. But there still seemed to be angst and anxiety.

Yesterday morning, while chatting with Ron we think we finally figured out what was going on with us…we lost three little’s whom we loved a lot. Normally there would be time to grieve and adjust to the loss but that didn’t happen as we got two new kids the Wednesday before the little’s left. Therefore we didn’t get the chance to grieve for the kids we said good~bye to as we had to immediately help the two new ones adjust to our home. SO TRUE!!!!

On top of the little’s moving on how it was handled was difficult. Yes we are fluid and flexible and change is the only thing that is constant and we expect change but when you are dealing with kids who have had more change and trauma in their life one of the things they needs is a good transition. We were informed the children were due to leave on Sunday afternoon but after watching another child who had the same case worker, transition be moved from one day to another to another to another I kept saying that the little’s would be moved earlier and without warning. And that is what happened. And that is what is hard. We had planned a couple of last activities with the little’s ~ they were excited, we were excited and just like a wave in the wind…without thought of what the little’s were dealing with we had less than four hours notice of when the little’s were moving on.

Yes, we are fluid and flexible but knowing transitions are hard for a lot of people and especially children who have had lots of trauma in their lives…transitions are even harder. So plans were dismissed, a few quick prayers, lots of tears and the kidlets were gone. Just poof!!!

8/18…started this post 13 days ago…and got waylaid….this morning is a new day…so I will just leave this right here. Just to have as a reminder of where I was 13 days ago.

Perfect Timing!

AGAIN, God’s timing is perfect. This week is a season of change for many here at the ranch. Tension is high, stress is rampant, kidlets and HP’s feel it in the air. Yet God keeps reminding us that PEACE is the answer. Even with all the stressors there is Peace in our home, lots of laughter even among some tears. God continues to show us HIS love and we continue to show HIS love to our kidlets.

This verse is from my devotional this morning.

Reminder…

Logos.com

The above verse was the scripture art for today. As I read it I have hope, hope even in the midst of struggling times. Yesterday was a hard day for me, the day before was a hard day for me but today I feel energized and awake.

The alarm went off with a bang this morning and as I woke from a dream I thought “glad that was a dream…what a mess.” Not sure of all of it…I was in the car with a friend of a friend after having an argument with my friend because I volunteered her to do a ceramic piece without speaking to her…she was really pissed even after I apologized a lot…we were packing up our little house to move and I was feeling stressed because the deadline was looming and Ron was taking his own sweet time doing things.  Then in the car I had to go to the bathroom..finally found a port-a-potty…more like a port-a-six-potty…it even had college girls cleaning it…went into three different stalls before finding one with toilet paper.  I had college girls walking into the stall helping me clean up.  I kept apologizing for the mess though looking around all the mess was on paper not on the toilet or even me…I kept saying I was sorry to my friend even though I don’t even know where she was, told our mutual friend that my friend was being pretty harsh just because I said she would make this other gal something…there was no rush and she could do it when she wanted…I woke up thinking…boy what a dream…when the alarm scared the you know what out of me LOL…as I walked to the bathroom I kept telling myself I was glad it was a dream…not sure what all this moving is going on in my dreams, poop everywhere but nowhere.  But very relieved it was a dream.

Dreams are weird at times…and then I wonder what does it all mean? I think dreams happen because our days are so full of stuff that our dreams are trying to work out things that are going on in our minds…what do you think?

I was scrolling through Facebook yesterday and thinking about when Ron and I got married, almost 45 years ago and wondered what happened to the pastor who married us. I found the Facebook page for the little church we were married in in Las Vegas and reached out to see if anyone remembered or knew Gary. Found out Gary died in 1978 after being sick for a quite a while. We left Las Vegas in October 1977 when the Air Force transferred us to the Netherlands, Camp New Amsterdam, Soesterberg, The Netherlands. Life was crazy for me/us…new babies, one baby dying, moving across the world at age 19, new beginnings and scary times. And thinking now, I was so wrapped up in me/us I forgot about our friends in Las Vegas. Oh I have thought about the friends we had there over the years and wonder where and how some of them are doing. But yet they are just a memory in my mind. And I am reminded that this world is not about me but about others…and then I think about our sermon from Sunday about being a disciple and the note I wrote out at the top of the page “Stop being selfish and focus on those who the Lord brings into my life.”

I am reminded to reach out to those I love and care about, let them know that I love and care for them…not just think about them but let them know. Whether they are close by or 2,000 miles from me…I need to reach out to others.

And then another memory popped up…Jamie was in Iraq and I was so fearful that he was going to be killed over there…I was so often paralyzed in fear I could hardly get out of bed. One day Pastor Charles called to see how I was doing and I told him I was still in bed (around 11am) and he told me he had a project for me. I was to get up, get dressed, call our friend Jack and tell him I was coming to his house to clean it for him. Jack’s wife, Dee had passed away about 4 months before BUT I couldn’t tell Jack why I was coming to clean his house (because Charles told me too!) I was just to go and do it. I remember calling Jack and at first he was hesitant but I insisted. I remember pulling up in the driveway and thinking…what the heck am I doing? Why would Charles think I needed to clean Jack’s house? But I did what I was told because that’s what good girls do…that’s another story for another day…back to cleaning Jack’s house.

I spent about 4 hours there. The dog followed me from room to room. I dusted and swept, mopped and wiped down counter tops, cleaned out the fridge and changed the sheets on the beds and even put fresh flowers on the center of the dining room table. I left before Jack got home. A couple of weeks later he told me that he smiled when he came in and saw the flowers…they reminded him of his sweet wife Dee and thanked me for the pleasant memory. I remember when I drove away how I felt good, not for cleaning the house but for doing something for someone else just because. Reaching out to someone else…and that’s the reminder to me today…get out of my skin and reach out to others in my life.

We have had a rough week with the kidlets and I hate going off with a negative air in the home so this morning I’m going to reach out to the kidlets…let’s have watermelon for breakfast!!! Let’s start the day fresh!!!

*************
How are you going to reach out to someone today?


Jumbled Mess

That’s me right now…I feel like my mind doesn’t stay focused and jumbles it way around the room or in this case my head and heart. A friend had posted one of those pictures with a zillion words and it said the first three you see is what/where you are.

My words were: Creation, Gratitude, Connection

Creation didn’t really resonate with me though I guess I am creating things being a House Parent…trying to create healthy and happy young people. Though right now two of our three kidlets are not happy little things: one is mad at me because I told them they needed to clean their bedroom and get rid of the garbage that keeps piling up in their room. Another one is mad at me because I called them in from outside to pick up all their toys and blankets which they had said they had already picked up. One is laying on the floor by the sliding glass door watching the mama bird feeding the little babies in their nest which is at the top center of our house eave.

So I ask myself…what am I creating? Not really sure of the answer to that question.

Gratitude…I try real hard to be thankful for the many blessings in my life. And there are many…a husband who is cancer free, a husband who loves and sometimes I wonder why??? Two healthy son’s, they are each married to wonderful women and between the two of them we have been blessed with five grandchildren.

I am thankful for our jobs, even on the hard days and lately there seems to be many of them. We have money to pay all our bills, to go to Sonics to get a slushy when we want one…just yesterday in fact and was I surprised when I ordered five of them and the bill was less that $5—didn’t know it was happy hour and it was buy one get one free!!! We have plenty of groceries and don’t worry about where the money will come from to buy more when we need it. We buy fresh fruit because we can, in fact we are having watermelon with our dinner this evening. There are so many things to be thankful for and I am reminded I am blessed beyond measure…I say that because I can’t list everything for which I am blessed…too many too count!!!

Connection…that jumped out at me because I am feeling a lack of connection. I don’t feel connected with friends…people I have known for many years and have lots in common but yet feeling so disconnected. With some family members…feeling like I have to watch what I say and how I say it lest I offend someone.

I shared with a friend the other day about how frustrated I am with Facebook right now…it seems everyone is looking for the negative, searching to find things to disagree over instead of loving and encouraging one another. And then I stop and look at myself…if I am seeing those things in others I am probably doing the same…and seeing the negative in things just tears me down, helps my depression to rear its ugly head and then I go down the slippery slope…maybe not as far as in years past but still down it a bit. And that’s not good for me or for anyone else for that matter.

I’m struggling with my grumpiness right now and when I hear one of my kidlets say “I’m not going to ask XXXX because I don’t want you to get mad.” I know my grumpiness is out of control. And that is not good. I am reminded of something that was shared with us many years ago when we worked at Astor House in Newberg, OR

Our Residents do not live in our | Sticker wall art, Vinyl wall ...

And this is true for our kidlets…this is their home, we work in their home, we have our own home to go into…and my job is to make their home a happy and healthy place for them to live.

Oh how I needed this reminder today!!! Lord forgive me for being so grumpy with these precious little ones. Help me to love them the way you, Abba Father love me! Jesus you love the little children…help me to love them too!!!

Just Thinking Out Loud

I borrowed the title from a friend’s post on Facebook…raw and where I am ….

I am not in a good head space…every little thing is getting on my nerves. I am tired, I am tired of being tired and I’m tired of not feeling good. It’s not sick like puking or a cold. I just plain don’t feel good.

This morning I started two different emails to two different friends and ended up trashing them because I was using language (f’ing) a lot and that’s not me…but it is a signal to me that my frame of mind is not good. So I deleted both emails.

I then saw a friend’s post that said she was taking a few days off to make an attitude adjustment…YEP that’s what I need…

Attitude Adjustment – Red Bank Baptist Women's Ministry

So I called to make an appointment with Ron’s doctor…I have issues with the physician I have been seeing here in Yoakum and the one Ron has been seeing in Victoria seems like a good fit for him so it might work for me. But alas, the office is closed for lunch. I will try later this afternoon.

I also made myself something to eat. Probably not the healthiest…leftover top ramen with eggs…but it is warm going down and feels good in my tummy.

Sunday I went to church and Sunday School, first time in a long time. We don’t usually go on our weekends off because it’s hard to not interact with the kidlets…they don’t always understand “being off.” Living in a small community is nice at times but not always.

One of the questions raised in Sunday School was “What is the calling on your life?” We are to serve God, share Christ’s love with others and personally I think one of my calling’s or gift is encouragement…to be an encourager to others. But it got me to thinking…who is my encourager? So often lately I feel so alone. Not physically alone but emotionally alone. Well maybe physically too…I email with my bestie quite often yet I yearn to have time with her, to sit at Wood’s and share a cup of coffee. It seems like it has been forever since we have seen each other, shared a hug and laughed and cried together. I miss her very much.

And when I’m missing her and other friends I begin to yearn for a relationship with my sister, my blood sister…we haven’t spoken in almost 12 years and so often I wish she would just tell me what I have done to hurt her that she hates me so much. I know she is jealous of the things I have. Which isn’t even things. It’s people in my life: my husband, our son’s, their wives, our five grandchildren. A good relationship with my pastor from home, friends we have made along the way in our travels. I miss my sister, I wish she would act like an adult and discuss with me what happened or what is happening…as the saying goes “it takes two to tango” and it takes two to make a relationship.

Back to the Sunday school lesson…one of the questions that came up in my mind was “why do we have to label people.” Someone made the comment about Democrats and Republicans…what the heck happened to just being people?

The worship service was nice…it was nice to sing together as a group again. The sermon was titled “Go Make Disciples.” So the first question is what does it mean to make a disciple and to be a disciple? A disciple is “one who accepts and assists in spreading the doctrines of another: such as. a Christianity : one of the twelve in the inner circle of Christ’s followers according to the Gospel accounts. b : a convinced adherent of a school or individual a disciple of Freud.”

So I am a disciple of Christ. I believe in Christ, accept Him as my personal savior and I try to follow the covenants of His Word, the Bible. Further, I would like to think I am a disciple of following and promoting good morals and values. I have tried to teach our boys to know right and wrong along with our grandchildren and the children we are caring for and have cared for over the years.

But I digress from the sermon: if I want to be a disciple of Christ I have to learn and know everything I can about Him. And to do that I must spend time with Him, reading his word, talking to him and learning from him.

TIME that is the key to everything…I need to use my time to guide and teach our kidlets, spend time with those I want relationships with, spend time nurturing my own heart and soul which then allows me to love and nurture those in my life.

Time seems like such a little thing yet in many ways is a big thing…time is precious, time is here and now. We all have the same 24 hours each day, 1440 minutes to do with each and every day. The question for me now is “how am I going to spend those minutes…lately it seems my awake minutes have been used for lots of stinkin’ thinkin’ ~ what a waste of time.

And then Romans 7 comes to mind: 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me

And in thinking about sin in this context I see the answer loud and clear…

I
Me


I am focused on me…I need to readjust my focus on those around me, those I want to spend time with. I think of

JOY! by Bunky Business | Teachers Pay Teachers


and by changing my focus my attitude will change, change for the better.

In closing I want to say thank you to Roy for your post titled “Just Speaking Out Loud” as it was the encouragement I needed to spend some time writing, praying and thinking.


**********
So my question to you is
How do you change your attitude when you are in a funk?

Wondering…

…why there is so much strife in the world today?

…what happened to treat others the way you want to be treated?

…why there is much anger…and is it really anger or fear? I was always taught anger is the secondary feeling to something else ~ like fear, hurt, anxiousness?

…what is going to be the final outcome of all the hate streaming forth?

I think it’s pretty sad when a governor tells it’s citizens to arm themselves at all costs.

I think it’s pretty sad when a parent or caregiver decides to take a young child to a protest where the possibility of violence can break out…what kind of caregiver/parent is thinking of their child in that moment?

…wondering if World War III is going to break out here in the USA? by our own citizens against our own citizens.

…what can I do to help turn the tide…turn the anger, the fear, the anxiousness into something positive…

I can do what I’m doing…I can take care of the children placed in my care. I can teach them to love, to do the right thing and look for the positive in all situations.

I can keep my thoughts and opinions to myself to avoid conflict because to me, it seems each time I try to engage in a conversation about the issues someone gets mad, gets angry with me and tells me I am wrong…I am wrong because I don’t think the way they do…I am not a puppet and you are not a puppet. We are each individuals living in a place where we need to express love and kindness, be encouraging instead of tearing people apart.

I have many people in my life where we don’t think the same over some major points of conversation but we aren’t calling each other names, we aren’t spewing hate and anger at each…we each share our thoughts, we continue to love each other and then we agree to disagree….what we disagree about is so minuscule compared to what we do agree on.

I was in a training yesterday and the facilitator said that he and his son had to “agree to disagree” over some topics…I do that often…I don’t always agree with my grown sons or my daughters-in-love but we agree on so much more than we don’t…it’s called focusing on what we agree on…loving the children and listening to each other. It’s not trying to prove my point or them trying to prove their point. There are just some things we disagree on. That doesn’t mean we stop loving each other, it doesn’t mean we don’t want the best for each other, it doesn’t mean we call each other names…it means agreeing to disagree.

Shoot…Ron and I have been married for almost 45 years…we come from very different backgrounds, our parents raised us in very different ways, heck we even have disagreements about how we raised our boys and our raising these kidlets currently in our care…but we love each other, we listen to each other, we talk with each other and sometimes we have to agree to disagree. And we live in peace with each other.

Why? Because we are adults and we have learned we don’t always have to be right…heck we can both be right and still disagree.

**********

On another note yet maybe still the same note…I think I know part of why I have not been feeling well…physically and emotionally…because I want to avoid conflict so I keep things tucked inside…and I think back to this picture

Image may contain: text that says 'OUTRAGED by George Floyd's Death. Supports GOOD Cops. Me Does not CONDONE looting and rioting.'

And I wish I knew how to edit this picture to make more circles the same size as the bigger circles, continuing to keep ME in the middle and adding other topics…I think back to a time I was in counseling and my therapist asked me to describe myself and I replied “I’m an abusive parent” and that’s the only way I could describe myself…Tom asked me if I was flat, a one sided piece of paper? I replied no, but that is exactly how I saw myself. Whereas in reality I have many parts of me, parts where some of me are bigger than other parts but lots of parts of me, of who I am. Isn’t that how we all are? Made up of lots of little parts/pieces to make us whole…I have lots of good parts and yet there are parts of me that I don’t even like looking at. I think of a song that Roy Morris sings:

And right now I feel like I have lots of secret places that I can’t share about for fear of being yelled at, argued with, ignored and told I’m wrong…so I remain quiet.

And if you know me at all…being quiet is hard to do. But for now it is what I feel I must be…quiet.

You are probably saying..you aren’t being quiet…you are writing on your blog, open for all to see and read…yes I’m writing a bit yet being very careful what I write. Hibernating as much as I can, trying to remain calm and focus on the today, the now, taking care of the kidlets entrusted in our care and for the most part being quiet.